Comments on Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog: Who is the real mother of a donor egg baby?

Hi there - my daughter is 10 and 1/2 now and I jus...

2011-07-08T05:05:20.787-04:00

Hi there - my daughter is 10 and 1/2 now and I just told her about her genetic origins. I have been wanting to tell her for a long time, but I wanted to make sure she understood the reproductive system enough to make the new information clinical. I think she doesn't mind at all, and I don't think she sees it as a big deal at all. Time will tell. Her big sister has known since early on and has been good to keep the information to herself. But now I feel better that we as a family can discuss our genetic origins without a hush in the conversation.

2011-05-04T08:48:49.280-04:00

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2011-05-04T00:54:34.507-04:00

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I ran onto your blog site by accident but find I m...

2011-01-30T01:52:17.406-05:00

I ran onto your blog site by accident but find I must say something. My daughter felt that she was born to be a mother but had endometriosus and so had surgery to clean it out once again. The fear was that even if she could manage to get pregnant, she wouldnt be able to carry. She Kept trying and trying, got on a discussion board with other professional women around the world, each praying for the other. My neice offered to carry a child for her if she couldnt. My daughter is a kindergarden autistic teacher in central valley of California. Later they found out her huband was the problem as his sperm count was very very low. So they made babies in a petri dish and she got pregnant. Within 16 weeks she went into labor and then in and out of hospitol for weeks at a time through out the entire pregnancy. Almost lost them at 16 weeks then again at 17 wks and then again at 24 weeks. Still not viable, again at 28 weeks and total bed rest until delivery at 37 weeks. 2 beautiful baby girls, little small and coilicky but ok. She didnt want any other woman to go through what she did so she decided to 'pay it forward' and help someone as she had great eggs. My neice has carried babies for 2 different families she has 2 very healthy children of her own. I have 6 grandkids and deeply love each and every one of them. We have all deeply prayed about all of this asking what is the right way. The Word says to the two women fighting over a child whose it was. The leader said we will solve this, cut the child in half and give each mother half. One of the women said no, no, no dont harm the child, she can have her. now that was the real mother. We have talked about if something happened to the parents of the eggs, would you want to be cntacted, her immediate answer was that she would want to be the first source looked at immediately. Not to profit, that is sick but because, though she gave the gift of love and life to that family, she would always want to know he or she is safe and secure. Not to invade, not to take over your baby, but to be a safty for some tragic failure. You see, the first law for mankind is love your neighbor yourself. thoes children have her genetics, very good genetics, i might add but is nurtured by you, mommy. So dont be threatened, instead be blessed as now you are a mother. Use it to 'pay it forward' to someone else who has a desperate need. bless you and yours pr. gayla

I love this post. Thank you. I was feeling weird a...

2011-01-06T13:02:07.898-05:00

I love this post. Thank you. I was feeling weird and sad today and confused about my choices and this made me feel much better.

The woman who gives birth is the real mother. An e...

2010-12-26T00:01:44.420-05:00

The woman who gives birth is the real mother. An egg donor is not the mother. She chose to donate her eggs. The real mother chose to give birth to, and raise, the child.

I refuse to believe that egg donors are forced into donating eggs. Yes, most of them are young women, but they make this choice as adults. If anyone reading this is considering donating your eggs, please don't do so, unless you understand that choosing to donate does not entitle you to cry "victim" later on. If you have any hesitations about doing it, don't. If you have already donated and feel that the resulting children from your eggs are really "your" children, then perhaps you owe some back child support payments.

This is very interesting for those considering who...

2010-12-08T16:03:07.670-05:00

This is very interesting for those considering who is the "REAL" mother:

Freedom Pharmacy published this great booklet about egg donation -- here an excerpt:

“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”

"While not discounting that genetic tendencies may exist, supporters of the nurture theory believe they ultimately don't matter - that our behavioral aspects originate only from the environmental factors of our upbringing. Studies on infant and child temperament have revealed the most crucial evidence for nurture theories.

In a donor egg pregnancy, the pregnant woman’s womb is the environment.It is her genes, not the donor’s, that determine the expression of thedonor -egg baby’s genes.

Thank you for blogging about this and sharing your...

2010-08-03T22:22:59.117-04:00

Thank you for blogging about this and sharing your thoughts.
I'm preparing to how to tell my 2mos children about DE and stumbled on your blog and http://www.wellsphere.com/pregnancy-fertility-article/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg-babies-are-the-biological-moms/749853

which posted:
"This means that a donor egg baby has 3 biological parents: a father, the egg donor, and the woman who carries the pregnancy.

The child who is born would have been a physically & no doubt emotionally different person if carried by his genetic mother.
"

This put my mind at ease a little (as I have been feeling as I am a fake momie til reading yours and the mentioned post) even though I'd need to read more on genes expression.

Look forward to reading more of your blogs.

My warm thoughts are with you and your family!

2010-07-01T07:03:26.607-04:00

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Anonymous wrote, "I fail to see how an egg do...

2010-06-23T23:09:41.601-04:00

Anonymous wrote, "I fail to see how an egg donor is the mother. She usually wants nothing to do with the resulting child that is born."

I donated eggs six years ago. I'm just waiting out the other twelve, hoping the kid(s) contact me. I checked the box on the form giving them the right to my contact information, but who knows if the agency will even be around then? Should I make a website or list myself someplace so I can be found, if they want to find me?

Egg donors are often cash-strapped young women who grow to regret their actions, to fully realize the significance of those actions as they later have their own children, or to simply grow up and understand the magnitude of things.

Gratitude towards egg donors is certainly nice, but it's more complicated than that. It didn't bother me at first that some child out there looked like me, but one day it occurred to me that that child maybe looked like my mom, or my brother, or any of a number of other relatives who also would have liked to have met him or her.

Sometimes I fantasize that some amazing stroke of fate (single parent goes missing in the Bermuda Triangle!) will cause the courts to look me up and drop the child on my doorstep.

I fail to see how an egg donor is the mother. She ...

2010-06-18T18:30:59.166-04:00

I fail to see how an egg donor is the mother. She usually wants nothing to do with the resulting child that is born.

The woman who gives birth is the mother. Its unfortunate that many anti-adoption freaks are saying that genetics is the only thing they makes a mother. Anti-adoption freaks are usually birth mothers who feel guilty years later about dumping their baby, and choose to badmouth those who do make the sacrifices to raise a child.

I have a daughter by donor egg. Throughout all th...

2010-06-01T22:55:53.075-04:00

I have a daughter by donor egg. Throughout all the various cycles of IVF, I found this particular decision to be astoundingly simple. We knew we wanted a 2d child. We'd already tried with fresh eggs and already researched adoption. It was the best option available. We grabbed it and never looked back. She's now 4.5 months. I think frequently about the donor with nothing but gratitude (though I couldn't say the same for the agency). I wish I knew her but she was anonymous. I love my daughter as much as I love my son who is genetically ours without a moment's hesitation. We are extremely lucky. After I had my son, I immediately had the urge to have another child. I now feel that our family is complete.

I love this post and your blog. the velveteen rabb...

2010-05-28T13:34:17.481-04:00

I love this post and your blog. the velveteen rabbit quote at the end made me cry.

I am the "other" mother to a little boy, his gestatinal mother is my partner. I chose the relationship and the family when I got involved with her in her first trimester. I've battled so many people's traditional concepts of mother but that quote just made me realize how REAL I am.

thank you.

The woman who nurtures the egg in her body, gives ...

2010-05-16T22:56:07.977-04:00

The woman who nurtures the egg in her body, gives birth, and raises the child is the mother, period.

I received the news today that my eggs are not goo...

2010-04-08T17:36:36.507-04:00

I received the news today that my eggs are not good enough "quality" to be fertilized. As my mind was still reeling, I found this post. We read this same quote from the Velveteen Rabbit during our wedding ceremony 4 years ago. So perhaps this is just the encouragement I needed. Thank you.

Beautiful story. It made me cry! Or maybe that'...

2010-03-23T03:17:57.056-04:00

Beautiful story. It made me cry! Or maybe that's the hormones from my Lucrin injections. ;-)

We fly to South Africa for our egg donation cycle in just over 2 weeks. So glad I've found your blog. Thank you.

I'm so relieved to find another DE recipient w...

2010-02-02T07:58:38.897-05:00

I'm so relieved to find another DE recipient who isn't troubled by the term "genetic mother." The way I look at it, this is simply a matter of biological fact.

As for the Jewish thing, I'm not sure what to make of it, either. I'm somewhat surprised, but not being Jewish myself, I don't have any vested interest in it.

I guess I'm not sure that the decision has any bearing on who the "real mother" is, though. My best guess (and it's only a guess, mind you, since I haven't fully been keeping up with the topic, nor am I any sort of expert on Jewish law) is that it's more about who is "really Jewish" or "naturally-born Jewish" than any commentary at all about parentage. I know that this is a topic that people feel very strongly about.

Good luck on your DE FET, Maredsous! I so hope yo...

2010-01-26T18:50:02.307-05:00

Good luck on your DE FET, Maredsous! I so hope you are PG soon.

I just wandered onto your blog. I am currently pr...

2010-01-25T01:08:35.851-05:00

I just wandered onto your blog. I am currently preparing for DE FET. Thanks for the post and all of the great information on your site.

Love this. I had my Jewish mother read this. While...

2010-01-22T12:50:15.594-05:00

Love this. I had my Jewish mother read this. While I know she loves my donor embie daughter, I think this post helps her understand my feelings about my child and how she came to be.

This is so beautiful and brings a tear to my eye a...

2010-01-21T19:14:44.141-05:00

This is so beautiful and brings a tear to my eye as I sit here cuddling my son, who was conceived through DI. I'd read those lines from The Velveteen Rabbit many times before, but they seem to resonate even more deeply in this context. Thank you for writing this - I will send the link along to my husband, who is most certainly our boy's real father.

That is a beautiful analysis.

2010-01-21T11:10:52.027-05:00

That is a beautiful analysis.

This is such a wonderful post on so many levels. O...

2010-01-18T17:46:57.343-05:00

This is such a wonderful post on so many levels. Oddly enough, I was thinking,as a non jew, married to a jew, planning to raise our children Jewish, that if our current favoirte for donor didn't work out, maybe we'd go for a jewish donor (stick Hitler in the eye etc)...
I'm going to copy that part from the velveteen rabbit and reread it a million times.

Thank you for this beautiful post. I love how you...

2010-01-16T10:03:16.704-05:00

Thank you for this beautiful post. I love how you put it, and the quote from the Velveteen Rabbit is perfect. I am going through our donor IVF cycle right now, and I'm so excited. I share the same concerns as you had, but I also have a peace that I will love these children with all my heart. I already feel a bit of a bond with the donor, which is totally unexpected. I pray for her every day, and I am so thankful for her gift. Thank you again, and I'm so glad to see you posting again - I love, love, LOVE your blog!
Best wishes,
Laura