Comments on Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog: Considering egg donation? Keep it on the down low...

Hello and thanks for your post and your wonderful ...

2011-10-12T21:55:13.159-04:00

Hello and thanks for your post and your wonderful blog. DE seems to still have some stigma attached to it and it's great to read about other people's experiences and thoughts.

I am 5 months pregnant with DE and am so excited about my pregnancy and the donor process I've started blogging about it (only 2 posts so far).

I signed up at two fertility hospitals in NYC to increase my chances of finding a shared donor. Met with psychiatrists at both places, and while they do tell you that to tell your child or not is an individual decision, they differed slightly on the age you should tell your child.

One told me about all sorts of new children's books that talk to alternative conception in a way a child might somewhat understand, or at least start to get familiar with (totally different from the stork delivering the baby!) The other's advice was to wait until the child understands conception otherwise it will be too confusing.

My husband and I plan to tell our son (yes a boy!) as soon as he's able to understand the concept, and I am also going to introduce the "alternative conception" books as soon as possible to start planting the idea.

Regarding telling family and friends, I've found that most people aren't all that familiar or as well researched on the concept and their views on IVF and Donor are blurred to some degree. I basically just tell those who might be somewhat curious about my getting pregnant at 46 that it was due more to science than to romance and required some petri dishes. Don't think anyone other than mom, dad and baby really need any more detail than that.

So glad I found this blog!!

I really appreciate this blog! It's amazing to...

2011-09-05T09:10:37.425-04:00

I really appreciate this blog! It's amazing to see all of the stories of those who have been successful with DE. This solidifies my desicion to be a donor - would do it again if I could :)

2011-08-08T05:15:45.881-04:00

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I begin my cycle in preparation for IVF with an eg...

2011-06-15T22:57:51.613-04:00

I begin my cycle in preparation for IVF with an egg donor in a few weeks. I never thought I would have problems having a biological child; I did not hear my clock ticking at all. I am 42, after 4 years of trying (including miscarriage and numerous failed fertility attempts); I grieved about not having my "own" child. Then I realized I could not give up my dream.

Once we decided to use an egg donor I thought we would keep it a secret. After discussing with the Psychologist at the fertility clinic we realized that our future son or daughter has the right to know their story.

It is still scary for me. I have two step daughters who I treat as my own; we have a great relationship. However I am reminded many times at joint affairs (school plays, graduations, etc.) that I am not the mother.

By producing a child using egg donation, someday will they want to meet their younger, cooler mom? How will that change our family dynamic? I guess that is a chance I am willing to take.

I strive to stay positive and think about all the love and support we will give our child. (My new love of Yoga has helped)

Good luck to everyone in your journey and stay positive.

I couldn't agree more with the original poster...

2011-05-04T02:29:42.610-04:00

I couldn't agree more with the original poster: a person should know his or her genetic history, and it should be THEIR business to decide who gets to know. We didn't tell anyone, not even our family, that we used DE for child #2. He will be told, and if he wants others to know, he will be secure in the knowledge that we did not take his privacy away. My mother loves to talk about me, and no personal tidbit of mine is too private for her to share with her 40 closest friends... so after the last violation, I only tell her things I want the world to know. Please please consider your child's right to privacy before telling your friends you used a DE. I myself would be extremely frosted if I had beeen conceived by DE and my parents had told their friends and family!!

Hello... I am new to this blog. I am 44 with a 40...

2011-02-02T11:28:29.415-05:00

Hello...
I am new to this blog. I am 44 with a 40 FSH. My RE wants to put me on estrogen and see what happens. I may grow an egg w/stims. I have been down this road already and I decided after trying for a year that this will be a waste of time and money. Statistically my odds are extremley low and i beleive the doctor is just looking to make a buck. Now i am venturing down DE land. I am ok with it but of course like most a little saddened by my genetic loss. Would love some advice or words of support.

Thank you all for this amazing blog.

Smileinyc

Also, I don't feel adoptees have much perspect...

2011-01-13T21:20:05.702-05:00

Also, I don't feel adoptees have much perspective on any of this. Adoption and donor egg IVF are two different things. The only similarity is the lack of genetic ties, but DE children still have a genetic tie to one parent. I think adoptees should keep their opinion out of all this, no offense.

Women choose to donate their eggs. I know a couple...

2011-01-13T21:17:54.189-05:00

Women choose to donate their eggs. I know a couple of women who have been egg donors. They made this decision to improve their financial situation. But they were not "desperate" for money. I don't think donors are victimized or exploited. They make the choice on their own.
And yes, I had a child with an egg donor. I am going to teach her to marry young and have children before doing anything else in life. She can always go to college or have a career later on in life, but having children must come first (if she wants them). I was a child of the 1970s and was told that career defined a woman, and she had no value outside of her job. I realize now those teachings were wrong. When people ask now "what do you do for a living", I tell them that I am a mother, and proud of it. If they look down on that, they can go get stuffed.

I am using a known donor who is a close family mem...

2010-10-18T18:58:34.170-04:00

I am using a known donor who is a close family member. That's very hard to keep secret when it's fodder amongst my 5 sisters (who all have children by the way except me). They're all very excited for and can't wait for me to get pregnant. My known donor gave me "juicy" eggs and ICSI was peformed a week and a half ago. I am at the end of my tww and will know something soon.

From the very beginning my husband and I knew would be open with our child(ren), whether or not we used a known or anonymous donor. Even though my family knows, we just told a few very close friends. Other than that, it's no one's business.

I found many of these posts interesting & info...

2010-10-09T18:37:31.833-04:00

I found many of these posts interesting & informative. I am the mom of a daughter whose only chance of getting pregnant is through DE. I am struggling with the sadness that she cannot have her own child. Right now she is not sure she wants to do this because the biggest obstacle for her is that it is not her child. Will she feel the maternal instinct? Or will her feelings not be as strong because she will always think this is not my child...it is somebody else's?

We cannot change what fate has decided for her & for that I ache for my daughter. She is unhappy about the choice to have her own child taken away by nature.

Other than her husband, I am the only one that knows & I respect & realize the importance of keeping the DE a private matter. But how does the mother & father come to terms with that? What if the woman used her own egg & the couple needed donated sperm? Would the man be as troubled with knowing that his child was not his genetic child?

I hope someone can give me some sage wisdom to deal with this in my heart & ways to help my daughter tackle this difficult decision.

Polish Mom

To all the donors out there- you have my blessings...

2010-08-29T06:13:18.533-04:00

To all the donors out there- you have my blessings for the miracles you have helped produce, and for bringing joy to so many desperate couples!
I was told at age 32 that I needed DE to have children. It took me 2 years to get used to the idea, and then went through 2 cycles- the first cycle was unsuccessful, the second brought us our miraculous twins. I decided, even before starting the treatments, that my children will know their origins, that I owed it to them to be honest. And that it will be THEIR choice about who else would find out. The only people we ever told so far are my younger sister - who selflessly offered to be my donor, but was unfortunately diagnosed with the same condition as I was -and a close friend who supported us a lot through this. No one else. I am already telling my darlings that they are mommy's miracles, and the most special kids in the world. I plan to make a little scrapbook with the donor's photos ( the clinic kindly sent us photos of the donor and her parents, which I have kept) followed by their ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy and then of them as newborn babies.
Why do I think the children need to know? because it is the truth, and any child deserves to have parents who never lie to them- especially about something as important as this. Also, I agree with the donor who posted her concerns about there being several people out there, unknown to each other, with the same genetic makeup. I would like to know were I in their shoes- why shouldn't I share it all with the most special people in my world??? And if telling them makes them love me less, so be it- I will love them the same. They are my little miracles and I am the luckiest person in the world for having them. I would have it no other way.

Hi everybody ! for everyone affected with the DE a...

2010-08-16T02:23:19.397-04:00

Hi everybody ! for everyone affected with the DE and DS : I've found a very interesting and helpful panel discussion on the matter of telling or not telling your children about the ways of their conception. in the panel where donor conceived people of different ages, who where told at different stages in their lives about their donor conception.
It might answer many questions to you all. But I agree, if you tell your child, which seems to be the right thing to do for yourself and them - to put everybody to ease - don't tell too many people ! It will be your kids decision who they want to share it with!

here is the link :
http://www.donor-conception-network.org/Nottingham%20_YP_panel_%202008.pdf

thank you for this post. Also grateful for comment...

2010-08-04T10:29:26.719-04:00

thank you for this post. Also grateful for commenters. To you all I ask: In discussing telling the child, no one is bringing up the fact that the 'genetic mother' is anonymous! This is not like open adoption. This is a closed process. We will never know. And he/she will never know who their mother is, their ancestors, etc. IS anyone troubled by this?

Further more, can anyone point me towards any literature in book form that addresses this 'closed donor' issue?

We are contemplating DE. And this is the sticking point in my mind.

I am interested in knowing if any of those out the...

2010-07-12T07:45:49.566-04:00

I am interested in knowing if any of those out there have used different donors to have a sibling for their first donor egg child. We were finally able to have one child through a doner after 8 years of trying. Our success was on our 4th doner egg cycle and we had twins but I lost one early on. Now we are trying to decide whether to do a sibling or not. Unfortunately we would have to use a different doner. I also have concerns because I feel that I need to be in the best health to raise my precious angel who is now 16 months old. I have just turned 50. I married at 43 and like many of the posts I have read, had know clue that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. My husband is 12 years younger than me. I was in shock when I was told that my estrodile levels were way to high. We tried for 5 years trying to conceive with my own eggs. I would appreciate some feedback from some of the other doner egg mothers out there. I too am struggling with weather we will tell our little gift about how she was conceived. I felt that I would but now I struggle with this idea. Especially if we bring another child into the mix. We have told very few people. And, my daughter does look like me. I hear all the time how she is such a good mix of me and my husband. I just smile and say nothing. As others on here have said, I love my little one more than anything ever. I feel like she is the child I was intended to have. I don't look at her and think about genetics. I look at her and pray I can live to raise her and love her and I cherish each day with her.

Wow. I'm glad I donated eggs to a gay man, so...

2010-06-23T23:27:53.431-04:00

Wow. I'm glad I donated eggs to a gay man, so he's pretty much going to have to tell the kid where he came from. It really never occurred to me that so many people would lie to their children. How long can you keep that up? Give it ten years, people will be able to get their DNA mapped at the drugstore and they'll be sharing their genetic codes on Facebook. No way can you keep that kind of secret. What do you do when someone in your family has breast cancer and your daughter is worried she, too, has a genetic predisposition?

I was interested to hear from the egg donor who was concerned about "mentally unstable" genetic offspring and wanted to be protected from them. A perfectly valid perspective, of course, but not representative of all donors. Me, I'm just counting down the days til that child reaches out. (And yes, now in my thirties, I regret lots of things I did in my twenties).

To the donor who commented about not telling. Tha...

2010-06-03T11:31:51.042-04:00

To the donor who commented about not telling. Thank you for your perspective. I've often wondered if we did tell, wouldn't that potentially be betraying the trust of this young woman who's life has probably moved on? She may not want to be discovered and we need to respect that.

To the person who might go through IVF DE for the first time and wondering how you'll feel about the baby. This is a very understandable sentiment. Here are my 2 cents to do with as you wish. I have a son by my own eggs and a daughter by DE. When my son was first born and put into my arms as an infant, I realized right away that it didn't matter who he belonged to genetically. A helpless, innocent child needs you regardless of your gene pool. I love my daughter equally. But I'm also the type of person who does not spend hours searching a child's face and personality for all the genetic connections. Children are themselves -- a brand new array of genes -- everytime they arrive in this world. Good luck.

I think everyone's concerns are overwrought as...

2010-05-16T23:33:10.127-04:00

I think everyone's concerns are overwrought as far as the child not being told, etc. I honestly feel there is no reason to tell the "truth" The truth is you carried and gave birth to the child and therefor are the mother. I don't see the point in bringing up the donor. You will already have the genetic/health history from the clinic. If the kid doesn't look exactly like you, they will likely look like the father.

If you feel the child has a right to know something, what would that be exactly? About some anonymous woman they are never going to know, that they have no connection to except half their genes? This is not an adoption in any traditional sense at all.

I can't even imagine what's going to come up where the child needs to be told. And like I said, told what? A confusing truth that doesn't even matter when you get down to it. Why deprive your child of the security and certainty of having a father and mother that gave them life and raised them?

I think telling compromises that because it introduces doubt and confusion that doesn't need to be there.

has anyone actually lived through at least 10 year...

2010-05-11T22:27:57.864-04:00

has anyone actually lived through at least 10 years with a child/children that have known all their lives? I would love to hear their experience. I know one mom who is having a tough time with her 7 year old that is so fixated right now on it - for months she just keeps saying - so I really have 2 moms? and, so you're not really my mom? she previously was proud and did a report in school and the whole bit. it's so painful for the mom to hear. (by the way, the parents are amazing, loving, communicative, using age appropriate dialogue, etc.). we used de and haven't yet figured out when/how to open the dialogue - we have some time as our baby is less than 1 year. looking forward to hearing about some long term experience.

I am starting a DE cycle and intend to tell my chi...

2010-04-30T10:53:41.365-04:00

I am starting a DE cycle and intend to tell my child from birth of the miracle that brought them to me. I believe that if I act as if using DE is shameful, my child will become ashamed as well. What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, I say.

Hi there, In a few days, i'm set to start a c...

2010-04-25T08:18:34.129-04:00

Hi there,

In a few days, i'm set to start a cycle as an egg donor. And although I've never been a parent, I was once a child, and I still do remember my teen years ... and I just can't imagine, at 17 or 18, through the magic of the internet or whatever, finding out that my parents were not my biological parents.I invite you all out there to imagine this scenario. Your whole world is suddenly turned on its head. Your trust in your parents is shattered. Your faith, broken. You don't know who you are, or why your parents have done this. You're angry - you feel betrayed. You're sad - you feel alone. WHY would you subject your child to this, when it could all be prevented by sitting your teen down, and just being perfectly open and honest with them? Think, intended parents. Think. You don't have to tell anyone, but your child should really, definately know.

Technicality: Your pediatrician will ask for a fa...

2010-03-31T16:54:04.096-04:00

Technicality: Your pediatrician will ask for a family medical history. Sure, you could lie -- and this lie could affect your child's healthcare.

But if you tell the truth to the pediatrician, you'd better tell it to your child, because sooner or later they will transfer their medical records to their own healthcare provider and they will have access to this information.

Personally, I take my cue from the adoption community, where discosure has proven to be a lot more healthy than secrets.

Finally, and above all else, I think that it is the child's choice to disclose to anyone else, so we have just chosen to tell only as many as we need to get throgh this next step emotionally & financially. At the moment, this is limited to my parents and I don't think we will tell anyone else.

I start the DE process next week, so this is all i...

2010-02-24T17:45:35.719-05:00

I start the DE process next week, so this is all interesting for me to consider. Though I cannot fathom lying to my children, concealing information about their origins... how can I establish and a build a healthy relationship with them on the basis of a lie? Not healthy.

You would think at some point, the truth will come to the surface and that would destroy their trust in people. If their own mother lied to them, how could they possibly trust anyone else? They may be curious about their donor - I know I would be - and I'm not afraid for them to explore their genetic history.

I will be telling my babies from a very early age - I got this idea from a friend of mine who was adopted and was told that she was the 'chosen daughter'.

I will tell my babies that they were a gift from an angel... and the angel gave mummy a little egg to put inside my belly (I'm Australian - we say 'mum'). I will repeat the story over and over again and as they get older - I will go into more detail so that one day, the 'penny will drop' and it'll start to make sense.

Based on my adopted friend's experience, she never had to deal with the 'shock' - she always know she was the 'chosen daughter' till one day she knew what that actually meant. I believe this is the best way of telling your child without the shock of it all.

I have egg donor babies and personally I feel if w...

2010-01-29T16:44:11.426-05:00

I have egg donor babies and personally I feel if we tell them it will be THEIR decision to tell others. I don't agree with a post that said if you aren't willing to share this information than you SHOULDN'T attempt DE. We were so blessed and had a beautiful daughter through DE who-- due to malpractice become ill and died. Let me just tell you that loosing a child (however they come into your life)is the most heartbreaking experience as part of you dies with them. I dare anyone to tell me my other children through DE aren't MINE. They evolved from a placenta attached to me-they may have started from a cell that wasn't mine but that is IT! They are here because of me and only me-yes my husband and another cell started the seed but that was it-my body did the rest!!!

I loved reading the Egg donor's post and agree that anonymous donors should be left alone. Thank YOU to any egg donor's out there-you are angels on earth!

DE is such a miracle and my only advice to anyone considering is to not tell anyone or a very select (immediate family to help you come to terms with the grief of loosing your genetic connection-which in the end I SWEAR means nothing) AWESOME blog and THANK YOU!

Hi I have been looking for a blog that dealt with ...

2010-01-18T00:46:55.619-05:00

Hi I have been looking for a blog that dealt with DE for sometime and stumbled across this one yayy!! I am 36 and my husband is 41he has a 10 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and we have been trying for the last 6 years with no success to have a baby. I have had 4 surgeries for endometriosis and when I did IVF in Aug 09 my follicles didn't produce any eggs and my Dr suggested DE. I was devastated, I felt like she had killed my baby, not just my hope of having a baby but my actual child. After I grieved for my eggs I have now embraced the idea of DE and I will be doing IVF using DE in Feb 10. I have realised that how my child gets here is not as important as me holding him/her in my arms. I live in the caribbean and people here are very judgemental and more than a little insensitive so we have decided to keep our DE between ourselves, the baby and my mother.

Thank you so much for an outlet to talk to people who can relate.

Thanks for posting. I just found out that my eggs...

2009-12-29T21:24:10.673-05:00

Thanks for posting. I just found out that my eggs are really no good. I'm currently 34 and have 2 failed IVF cycles. My husband and I have battled infertility for nearly 6 years, starting with his low sperm count to my recent news about my "old" ovaries. We are in the process of going through IVF using donor eggs, come March. The struggle to tell or not to tell has been my battle and you have definitely helped me.