Comments on Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog: Considering egg donation? Keep it on the down low...

To all the donors out there- you have my blessings...

2010-08-29T06:13:18.533-04:00

To all the donors out there- you have my blessings for the miracles you have helped produce, and for bringing joy to so many desperate couples!
I was told at age 32 that I needed DE to have children. It took me 2 years to get used to the idea, and then went through 2 cycles- the first cycle was unsuccessful, the second brought us our miraculous twins. I decided, even before starting the treatments, that my children will know their origins, that I owed it to them to be honest. And that it will be THEIR choice about who else would find out. The only people we ever told so far are my younger sister - who selflessly offered to be my donor, but was unfortunately diagnosed with the same condition as I was -and a close friend who supported us a lot through this. No one else. I am already telling my darlings that they are mommy's miracles, and the most special kids in the world. I plan to make a little scrapbook with the donor's photos ( the clinic kindly sent us photos of the donor and her parents, which I have kept) followed by their ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy and then of them as newborn babies.
Why do I think the children need to know? because it is the truth, and any child deserves to have parents who never lie to them- especially about something as important as this. Also, I agree with the donor who posted her concerns about there being several people out there, unknown to each other, with the same genetic makeup. I would like to know were I in their shoes- why shouldn't I share it all with the most special people in my world??? And if telling them makes them love me less, so be it- I will love them the same. They are my little miracles and I am the luckiest person in the world for having them. I would have it no other way.

Hi everybody ! for everyone affected with the DE a...

2010-08-16T02:23:19.397-04:00

Hi everybody ! for everyone affected with the DE and DS : I've found a very interesting and helpful panel discussion on the matter of telling or not telling your children about the ways of their conception. in the panel where donor conceived people of different ages, who where told at different stages in their lives about their donor conception.
It might answer many questions to you all. But I agree, if you tell your child, which seems to be the right thing to do for yourself and them - to put everybody to ease - don't tell too many people ! It will be your kids decision who they want to share it with!

here is the link :
http://www.donor-conception-network.org/Nottingham%20_YP_panel_%202008.pdf

thank you for this post. Also grateful for comment...

2010-08-04T10:29:26.719-04:00

thank you for this post. Also grateful for commenters. To you all I ask: In discussing telling the child, no one is bringing up the fact that the 'genetic mother' is anonymous! This is not like open adoption. This is a closed process. We will never know. And he/she will never know who their mother is, their ancestors, etc. IS anyone troubled by this?

Further more, can anyone point me towards any literature in book form that addresses this 'closed donor' issue?

We are contemplating DE. And this is the sticking point in my mind.

I am interested in knowing if any of those out the...

2010-07-12T07:45:49.566-04:00

I am interested in knowing if any of those out there have used different donors to have a sibling for their first donor egg child. We were finally able to have one child through a doner after 8 years of trying. Our success was on our 4th doner egg cycle and we had twins but I lost one early on. Now we are trying to decide whether to do a sibling or not. Unfortunately we would have to use a different doner. I also have concerns because I feel that I need to be in the best health to raise my precious angel who is now 16 months old. I have just turned 50. I married at 43 and like many of the posts I have read, had know clue that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. My husband is 12 years younger than me. I was in shock when I was told that my estrodile levels were way to high. We tried for 5 years trying to conceive with my own eggs. I would appreciate some feedback from some of the other doner egg mothers out there. I too am struggling with weather we will tell our little gift about how she was conceived. I felt that I would but now I struggle with this idea. Especially if we bring another child into the mix. We have told very few people. And, my daughter does look like me. I hear all the time how she is such a good mix of me and my husband. I just smile and say nothing. As others on here have said, I love my little one more than anything ever. I feel like she is the child I was intended to have. I don't look at her and think about genetics. I look at her and pray I can live to raise her and love her and I cherish each day with her.

Wow. I'm glad I donated eggs to a gay man, so he'...

2010-06-23T23:27:53.431-04:00

Wow. I'm glad I donated eggs to a gay man, so he's pretty much going to have to tell the kid where he came from. It really never occurred to me that so many people would lie to their children. How long can you keep that up? Give it ten years, people will be able to get their DNA mapped at the drugstore and they'll be sharing their genetic codes on Facebook. No way can you keep that kind of secret. What do you do when someone in your family has breast cancer and your daughter is worried she, too, has a genetic predisposition?

I was interested to hear from the egg donor who was concerned about "mentally unstable" genetic offspring and wanted to be protected from them. A perfectly valid perspective, of course, but not representative of all donors. Me, I'm just counting down the days til that child reaches out. (And yes, now in my thirties, I regret lots of things I did in my twenties).

To the donor who commented about not telling. Tha...

2010-06-03T11:31:51.042-04:00

To the donor who commented about not telling. Thank you for your perspective. I've often wondered if we did tell, wouldn't that potentially be betraying the trust of this young woman who's life has probably moved on? She may not want to be discovered and we need to respect that.

To the person who might go through IVF DE for the first time and wondering how you'll feel about the baby. This is a very understandable sentiment. Here are my 2 cents to do with as you wish. I have a son by my own eggs and a daughter by DE. When my son was first born and put into my arms as an infant, I realized right away that it didn't matter who he belonged to genetically. A helpless, innocent child needs you regardless of your gene pool. I love my daughter equally. But I'm also the type of person who does not spend hours searching a child's face and personality for all the genetic connections. Children are themselves -- a brand new array of genes -- everytime they arrive in this world. Good luck.

I think everyone's concerns are overwrought as far...

2010-05-16T23:33:10.127-04:00

I think everyone's concerns are overwrought as far as the child not being told, etc. I honestly feel there is no reason to tell the "truth" The truth is you carried and gave birth to the child and therefor are the mother. I don't see the point in bringing up the donor. You will already have the genetic/health history from the clinic. If the kid doesn't look exactly like you, they will likely look like the father.

If you feel the child has a right to know something, what would that be exactly? About some anonymous woman they are never going to know, that they have no connection to except half their genes? This is not an adoption in any traditional sense at all.

I can't even imagine what's going to come up where the child needs to be told. And like I said, told what? A confusing truth that doesn't even matter when you get down to it. Why deprive your child of the security and certainty of having a father and mother that gave them life and raised them?

I think telling compromises that because it introduces doubt and confusion that doesn't need to be there.

has anyone actually lived through at least 10 year...

2010-05-11T22:27:57.864-04:00

has anyone actually lived through at least 10 years with a child/children that have known all their lives? I would love to hear their experience. I know one mom who is having a tough time with her 7 year old that is so fixated right now on it - for months she just keeps saying - so I really have 2 moms? and, so you're not really my mom? she previously was proud and did a report in school and the whole bit. it's so painful for the mom to hear. (by the way, the parents are amazing, loving, communicative, using age appropriate dialogue, etc.). we used de and haven't yet figured out when/how to open the dialogue - we have some time as our baby is less than 1 year. looking forward to hearing about some long term experience.

I am starting a DE cycle and intend to tell my chi...

2010-04-30T10:53:41.365-04:00

I am starting a DE cycle and intend to tell my child from birth of the miracle that brought them to me. I believe that if I act as if using DE is shameful, my child will become ashamed as well. What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, I say.

Hi there, In a few days, i'm set to start a cycle...

2010-04-25T08:18:34.129-04:00

Hi there,

In a few days, i'm set to start a cycle as an egg donor. And although I've never been a parent, I was once a child, and I still do remember my teen years ... and I just can't imagine, at 17 or 18, through the magic of the internet or whatever, finding out that my parents were not my biological parents.I invite you all out there to imagine this scenario. Your whole world is suddenly turned on its head. Your trust in your parents is shattered. Your faith, broken. You don't know who you are, or why your parents have done this. You're angry - you feel betrayed. You're sad - you feel alone. WHY would you subject your child to this, when it could all be prevented by sitting your teen down, and just being perfectly open and honest with them? Think, intended parents. Think. You don't have to tell anyone, but your child should really, definately know.

Technicality: Your pediatrician will ask for a fa...

2010-03-31T16:54:04.096-04:00

Technicality: Your pediatrician will ask for a family medical history. Sure, you could lie -- and this lie could affect your child's healthcare.

But if you tell the truth to the pediatrician, you'd better tell it to your child, because sooner or later they will transfer their medical records to their own healthcare provider and they will have access to this information.

Personally, I take my cue from the adoption community, where discosure has proven to be a lot more healthy than secrets.

Finally, and above all else, I think that it is the child's choice to disclose to anyone else, so we have just chosen to tell only as many as we need to get throgh this next step emotionally & financially. At the moment, this is limited to my parents and I don't think we will tell anyone else.

I start the DE process next week, so this is all i...

2010-02-24T17:45:35.719-05:00

I start the DE process next week, so this is all interesting for me to consider. Though I cannot fathom lying to my children, concealing information about their origins... how can I establish and a build a healthy relationship with them on the basis of a lie? Not healthy.

You would think at some point, the truth will come to the surface and that would destroy their trust in people. If their own mother lied to them, how could they possibly trust anyone else? They may be curious about their donor - I know I would be - and I'm not afraid for them to explore their genetic history.

I will be telling my babies from a very early age - I got this idea from a friend of mine who was adopted and was told that she was the 'chosen daughter'.

I will tell my babies that they were a gift from an angel... and the angel gave mummy a little egg to put inside my belly (I'm Australian - we say 'mum'). I will repeat the story over and over again and as they get older - I will go into more detail so that one day, the 'penny will drop' and it'll start to make sense.

Based on my adopted friend's experience, she never had to deal with the 'shock' - she always know she was the 'chosen daughter' till one day she knew what that actually meant. I believe this is the best way of telling your child without the shock of it all.

I have egg donor babies and personally I feel if w...

2010-01-29T16:44:11.426-05:00

I have egg donor babies and personally I feel if we tell them it will be THEIR decision to tell others. I don't agree with a post that said if you aren't willing to share this information than you SHOULDN'T attempt DE. We were so blessed and had a beautiful daughter through DE who-- due to malpractice become ill and died. Let me just tell you that loosing a child (however they come into your life)is the most heartbreaking experience as part of you dies with them. I dare anyone to tell me my other children through DE aren't MINE. They evolved from a placenta attached to me-they may have started from a cell that wasn't mine but that is IT! They are here because of me and only me-yes my husband and another cell started the seed but that was it-my body did the rest!!!

I loved reading the Egg donor's post and agree that anonymous donors should be left alone. Thank YOU to any egg donor's out there-you are angels on earth!

DE is such a miracle and my only advice to anyone considering is to not tell anyone or a very select (immediate family to help you come to terms with the grief of loosing your genetic connection-which in the end I SWEAR means nothing) AWESOME blog and THANK YOU!

Hi I have been looking for a blog that dealt with ...

2010-01-18T00:46:55.619-05:00

Hi I have been looking for a blog that dealt with DE for sometime and stumbled across this one yayy!! I am 36 and my husband is 41he has a 10 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and we have been trying for the last 6 years with no success to have a baby. I have had 4 surgeries for endometriosis and when I did IVF in Aug 09 my follicles didn't produce any eggs and my Dr suggested DE. I was devastated, I felt like she had killed my baby, not just my hope of having a baby but my actual child. After I grieved for my eggs I have now embraced the idea of DE and I will be doing IVF using DE in Feb 10. I have realised that how my child gets here is not as important as me holding him/her in my arms. I live in the caribbean and people here are very judgemental and more than a little insensitive so we have decided to keep our DE between ourselves, the baby and my mother.

Thank you so much for an outlet to talk to people who can relate.

Thanks for posting. I just found out that my eggs...

2009-12-29T21:24:10.673-05:00

Thanks for posting. I just found out that my eggs are really no good. I'm currently 34 and have 2 failed IVF cycles. My husband and I have battled infertility for nearly 6 years, starting with his low sperm count to my recent news about my "old" ovaries. We are in the process of going through IVF using donor eggs, come March. The struggle to tell or not to tell has been my battle and you have definitely helped me.

The First International Congress on Global Reprodu...

2009-12-22T07:05:37.215-05:00

The First International Congress on Global Reproductive Tourism (Vienna, Austria,March 25-28, 2010)

Reproductive tourism is a relatively new phenomenon that occurs when aspiring parents travel from their home country in which advanced reproductive technologies (ART) are expensive and legally awkward to nations where the procedures are cheaper and legally more obtainable.

The aim of this conference will be to discuss the reasons behind the rapid increase in reproductive tourism, as well as outline its professional, ethical, legal and economic consequences. This will be discussed by experts who will address the current concerns raised by this new trend, as well as share their accumulating experience meeting with the needs of the international patient and the limitations set by mounting national regulatory restrictions.

The participants in this conference will gain updated knowledge on:

Why has reproductive tourism become such a popular option?
The need to protect the reproductive rights of patients in various countries.
Improving local access to advanced reproductive care in all countries.
Advancing ART regulation under international consensus.
Affordability versus quality assurance in global ART.
Means of promoting and marketing reproductive care services.
Ethical aspects of international travel searching for ART.
Worldwide gamete donation: fulfilling an undeniable need or a form of organ trafficking?
Cross border gestational surrogacy: providing opportunity or exploitation of the poor.
Legal aspects of ART in foreign countries.
Ethnic needs of immigrants and genetic testing.
Reproductive rights of non married and same sex patients.
Safety and technical aspects of long-distance shipping of fresh and frozen gametes and embryos.

I'm sorry to hear of the health problems encounter...

2009-12-18T17:33:32.245-05:00

I'm sorry to hear of the health problems encountered by the DE mother and child you know. As far as I know, children born via donor egg are no more likely than children conceived in any other way, to have learning difficulties or any other health problem. Donor egg is just a different way to conceive. Once conception occurs, the development of the child is like any other. Whether health problems of a DE child come from genetics, gestation, or environment -- well, that's the question, isn't it? But so far as I know, the method of a DE child's conception does not contribute to any later health problems.

I join in this discussion because I am considering...

2009-12-17T22:24:08.393-05:00

I join in this discussion because I am considering doing DE.
My concern is this: I have a cousin who did DE and had a baby girl but now her child, who was seemingly healthy, is in need of a lot of special help in school and she has had some seizures earlier on but may have outgrown them.
Are children from DE usually healthy or do they have learning and health problems when they get older?
Concerned woman

I'm not sure when the last comment on this blog wa...

2009-12-07T05:13:46.576-05:00

I'm not sure when the last comment on this blog was posted, but I know the ttc momma's out there do a LOT of research usually on their journey and I thought I could be a voice for the 'other' side to this kind of controversial subject. I've been a donor 4 times now, which is why I will of course stay anonymous. I did 3 back to back in 07 and 1 in 08. I gave birth to my own baby girl this year and it's made me think a lot about my decisions to donate and whether I would do it again now that I know how it feels to have a child of my own. I know its a hard road to come to the decision to get the eggs from someone other than yourself, I myself have a sibling that is 39 years old and doesnt have the money or resources to pay for normal IVF treatments muchless a donor situation. The part of this a lot of people chosing the donors dont see is that its also a hard road to donate, yes we get compensated, but we also pay tax on that money and honestly our bodies go through a lot for the amount we recieve. I enjoyed the fact that I helped families get the children they without me couldnt conceive, I also thought about how crazy science has become that I've basically had 4 children w/ men I've never met that grew in another woman. I think the ONLY negative thing I can possibly think is if my daughter met one of those siblings one day and didnt know she had a genetic relation to them, the situation has come up in normal life just from men having sexual relations with women they dont really know and a child resulted from that. I myself often wonder if I have other siblings somewhere, and sometimes I yearn for that connection. The thing is, sometimes genetics is SO strong in the person you really are, myself and my siblings were NOT raised in the same households, and we ALL have characteristics and are mentally very similar it just blows my mind sometimes. So I think to end it, I would really like the parents that do these treatments to be honest to their children, not just so they know why sometimes they might be 'different' and dont understand why, but also because if they run into someone that they feel a connection with in the future they will understand why and not mis-interpret that. I just would like the feeling to know the children I helped create knew about a 'distant' relative that they may have characteristics of instead of feeling lost in the world. I've always believed deep down we know if our parents are 'our' parents, I feel a connection to my mother and father that couldnt be simulated and I look like BOTH sides of my family...lying to your children is never a good idea in my opinion and I think its a choice eventually you will feel regret for. I have no issues w/ the lying to friends and family until you know what your going to tell your children, I guess just really think about it (not like you werent going to already), you will GROW those babies inside you and that can never be changed, you gave them life, but theres nothing wrong w/ sharing the journey towards that life.....they might enjoy that you wanted them THAT badly that you went through an amazing journey to have them in your life.

I just stumbled into this blog as I was looking in...

2009-11-09T16:33:06.275-05:00

I just stumbled into this blog as I was looking into research about egg donation pregnancy. I am so glad I found it! I had my first donor egg transfer last week and I must say I am quite excited. I am 45 years old now. I focused on my career early in my professional life that I didn't think I would have a problem conceiving when the time came for me to have baby. I was 41 when I got married and my husband and I didn't really start trying to have a child until I was 43 years old. By that time, my ovarian reserve has declined and my FSH levels were quite high -- it was more than 10. My doctor said based on the quality of my eggs, I was about 5 years too late for an IVF using my own eggs. My best option, he said then, was an egg donation. I didn't believe him and I looked for another doctor who said the same thing. So i didn't really do an IVF cycle with my own eggs because my eggs were not healthy enough. I wnt straight into egg donation. An anonymous donor gave us the egg, but we trusted the fertility clinic who ran the program and asked for a donor who more or less looks like me. In October we started to prepare my uterus for a donated egg. It was difficult because due to all the medications I am taking, I am constantly tired and I did gain some weight. I dreaded the progesterone injections but it really wasn't a big deal because they didn't hurt at all. And now I'm just waiting for my pregnancy test in a week's time. Hopefully, it'll turn out positive. But I haven't told many people about my use of an egg donor -- my husband knows of course, my doctor, some nurses in the fertility clinic, and our therapist. We're not even telling our families because it's a very sensitive and private matter. We like it that way. We feel that the less people who know about it, the better it is for us and our future child. For those agonizing whether to tell their immediate family or friends, I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. Each couple is different. For us, privacy is the way.

The truth is we are all inbred as human beings. W...

2009-11-02T14:55:10.230-05:00

The truth is we are all inbred as human beings. We come from one common ancestor, therefore genetics is waaaay overemphasized. Look at it from the general standpoint. If you kid comes out not looking very much like you, so what? I know genetically related people who look nothing like their parents, but have characteristics that skipped a generation.

The egg donated child is YOURS. There is no need to lie or tell them anything different. In my opinion if you carried a child in your belly for 9 months YOU ARE THE MOM. If not for you, that particular child would not exist.

So my opinion would be to say nothing about genetic origins. If it was annonymous DE why are you introducting a confusing concept to a child? Ok, so "genetically" they're not yours, but it takes genetics and gestation to make a Mom. So that makes you equally as much as a Mom as the donor.

Great post. I totally agree. I kind of regret le...

2009-10-27T17:08:11.604-04:00

Great post. I totally agree. I kind of regret letting so many people know about my DE conception - particularly when i have no intention of sharing that with my children. How I'm going to accomplish that? I have no idea.

How many attempts have you had with DE before fina...

2009-10-01T06:16:53.035-04:00

How many attempts have you had with DE before finally having your baby in your arms? I did get pregnant on the second try but miscarried at 4 weeks. The silver lining, so to spaek, is that I now know that implantation can and does take place as far as I am concerned. I am a healthy 43 year old and I have decided to continue trying with DE. Technically, there are no limits to the number of attempts we can make as the success rate reamins consistantly high (about 50 percent is the figure provided by our clinic) but I would love to hear from you ladies who have kept trying and who have succeeded. This would help me so much as I sometimes feel the pain and distress are almost too much to bear...

Ladies, thank you so much for all of your comments...

2009-09-30T08:07:25.061-04:00

Ladies, thank you so much for all of your comments. I am a 40 year old woman with an FSH of 18 to 25, 2 miscarriages and is now really considering the world of DE. I have not discussed this with anyone, except my husband, and feel that it's no one else's business. I am literally just filling out the paperwork and just beginning on my journey. It is comforting to hear the stories and opinions that you share bc there is so much to think about. I have been struggling for months about this decision and how I would feel about having a donor and who I would tell and not tell...
But I'm coming to realize that in the scheme of things it's all irrelevant...you birth that child, raise that child and love that child unconditionally, it is YOUR child...and the previous blogs helped me understand just a little better so Thanks so much for sharing...

I have a three year old son via egg donation after...

2009-09-26T21:50:44.651-04:00

I have a three year old son via egg donation after 12 miscarriages with my own eggs. The little one looks like a carbon copy of his papa. I am not sure I will tell him his origins (and for the information of the writer who felt that makes me a bad parent, that's your opinion).

This experience is the best thing you could imagine and having a pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. was a wonderful experience as well, which you do not have with adoption. I respect adoption but feel it is a calling for some people and not for everyone, as DE is, as well--good for some, not for others.

Support and good wishes for all who consider DE.

My husband walks around so proud of his little boy and we can look down the road and see only good things.