Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Considering egg donation? Keep it on the down low
Recently I had a blog comment from a lady who is just starting her journey with egg donation, and her post got me thinking back to that time. I realize it's strange for a woman who blogs on the public Web about egg donation, to tell others to keep quiet about it. But bear with me, and I'll explain why.
Using donor eggs is rarely -- never? -- a woman's first choice for how to have a family. Most of us come to egg donation after a long battle with infertility. We run a grueling course of monthly disappointment, failed cycles, and sometimes the heartbreak of miscarriage. And what do women tend to do about our problems, our struggles, our tragedies?
We talk about it. We talk about it a lot.
When I first learned at age 38 that I had diminished ovarian reserve, with a Clomid Challenge FSH of 40 (you all know what that means, right?), my doctor cut straight to the chase. He told us the odds were long on having a child with my eggs. He advised us to switch to a practice that could offer IVF with donor eggs. And he warned that if I pursued pregnancy with my eggs, I would have a high risk of miscarriage.
I was devastated. This diagnosis was truly like a death in the family. It was the death of the children I would never have, and I grieved my loss. Loudly, and to anyone who would listen.
All my friends and family knew what the doctor said and how I felt about it. Anytime my girlfriends and I got together, I talked about my infertility and asked what they all thought about egg donation. Business lunch, football party, it didn't matter -- I talked about my issues. And when I felt I needed even more self-expression, I started this blog. Talking, writing, and a lot of tears: That was how I worked through the grief of never being a genetic mother. Some people hold their pain close. I let mine run wild. For me, it was a coping mechanism. It was how I got through.
To the everlasting credit of my friends, they put up with me. (My husband and family get no credit, as they are contractually obligated to endure.) Two of my dearest friends even offered to be donors.
Fast forward to today. I have two beautiful little girls born of anonymous egg donation. Everybody in my family and group of friends treats my girls the same as all the other kids getting underfoot on holidays. But...they know. In the back of my mind, I can't forget that all of them know my girls' origins.
For me, it doesn't matter any longer what people think of my choice. My girls are perfect in my eyes. If I could wave a wand and make them my genetic children, they wouldn't be themselves. And the world without Madelyn and Lilly, exactly as they are? Not to be thought of.
The problem is, I am not sure how my girls will feel about their donor egg origins. We plan to tell them about egg donation, and it's very possible they would want that part of their history to be private to our family. But it's too late for that. I took that choice from them with all my blathering.
Also, you may decide while pregnant or after your baby is born, that you would rather not tell your child about his or her egg donation origins.
I have had a purely unscientific poll running on this blog for about three years (look at the top right part of your browser.) Of the 273 people who have voted on the question "Will You Tell Your Child About DE?", a full 25% have answered no. If you've told all and sundry that you are doing a DE cycle, you won't be able to change your mind later and keep the choice private. Not without telling some whoppers.
So my advice to you, if you are just considering donor egg: Play your cards close to the vest. Don't talk about it to everyone you know. Or if you do, speak only in general terms. There are ways to get the help and counsel you need without sacrificing your children's privacy:
1. Find a good support forum like Looking to Be a Mom Thru DE, and cut loose there. Take care to maintain anonymity when creating your online persona.
2. See if there's a counselor at your infertility clinic who would talk with you for an hour.
3. Make your partner be your confidant.
I'm not saying you shouldn't tell anyone about pursuing egg donation. Each person's needs and relationships are different, and there are plenty of future donor egg moms whose donor is a friend or family member.
Just keep in mind that once you've told, you can never "un-tell." If it makes sense for you, save that choice for your children.
posted by Bee @ 11:45 AM |
55 Comments:
I appreciate your post very much. At times I think I am very selfish for not telling anyone about DE. I would not have told my husband if that were possible. I might change my mind (doubtful) about one day telling my gorgeous daughter that we do not share the same genes but for now the way I view it is that life is SO difficult without having been conceived in a non conventional way that I am opting out of telling. Reading your post reassures me that I should keep my DE story to myself as I grieved in silence 4 years ago when I was told my FSH reading of 30 was "menopausal"
Best,
Miranda
I'm reminded of all those old email and blog conversations we had back in the day. There really is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. I totally get what you're saying here.
I know the common line on the yellow board is the tell/don't tell is a choice. And both are supposed to be valid.
I do agree that you don't have to tell anyone besides your children because it's THEIR story.
But I think you have a duty to tell your children their genetic origins. They deserve to know that. They deserve to know their medical history. I think if someone isn't prepared to be open and honest with their children, recognizing it's about their children's needs and not their own, then they aren't ready to be parents.
That includes all those who voted "no" on your poll. And those folks on the yellow board.
If you can't be honest with your children then I don't think donor gametes are a good option until you can be honest with them. Doesn't mean you have to tell the world but your children deserve to know their origins.
How old are your children now? When do you think you will tell them about how they came to be?
We are about to go through our first cycle of IVF with Donor eggs in May or June. We've told quite a few close friends & family already. We hope to start telling our kid(s) very early on in life as soon as we start reading to them. I don't want there to be any secrets...plus if possible, I'd like to avoid having people tell me that they can see my eyes in our child. I feel like that would upset me. Do comments like that upset you?
Good advice. We told everyone, but oddly, four years later most have forgotten. I think it's more important to us than to people outside of the family.
My girls are 3 years old and 1 year old, and Maddy (my older daughter) is just now old enough to have a conversation with. I'm going to buy some of the kids' storybooks that are out there and start the "conversation" about donor egg that way. I think it is something we'll talk about many times over the years as the girls reach different levels of understanding. I'm nervous in a weird way. I do feel the girls have the right to know their origins. But having that belief and putting it into practice...well, it's stressful.
But in my view, it's got to be done. And if the girls grow up with the idea of donor egg in their heads even before they understand it, I think it will be easier for them than if it's some "big reveal" at a certain age. We'll see!
I live in such a non-traditional family, it's comical. Are there any other donor egg special needs stepfamilies out there? If so, throw me a rope! (grin)
Hi Bee
I've lived in adoption-land for so long where the idea of avoiding genetic origins is seen as unhealthy, I hear much commentary from adoptees about how those who use donor gametes should always be honest with their child about their genetic origins. Pretending makes things easier for the parents but ends up cheating the children of their truth. The feelings are pretty passionate about the rights of children to know their genetic origins.
Yet when you consider that about 12% of babies are not the genetic child of the father listed on the birth certificate, it does give one pause.
Glad to see you posting again.
I have an 18 yr old biological son and a 2.4 yr old son from donor egg. We plan on telling my little guy and will set up some time with counselors at our local fertility center to assist us in the right way/right time to start introducing the concept to him. I worry about how he will feel about it when he's older, but not enough not to tell him. I feel strongly that he deserves to know his origins. That said, I have told some and kept silent with most. Our parents know but no one else in our families. Some of my friends know, but I've drifted away from some of them in the last years becuase I've been too busy to maintain the relationships (which stinks but is a fact when those friends don't have young kids). He can choose to tell whomever he wants when he is old enough to know and to talk about it.
While it matters so much, frankly it doesn't matter at all, if that makes any sense.
We'll deal with any issues when we are faced with them, and we will work to overcome them.
Sorry if I blathered a bit!
Everybody gets to blather here, Roni! And hi, teendoc. Interesting points being raised. I have to confess...I am not sure WHY I feel as I do about telling my girls. I'd like to take the high road and say that my main motivater is their best interest: That they deserve to know their genetics. And I do believe that -- I know I'd want to know, if it were me. But when I look at my feelings on the issue, I am humbled to say it's more about fear. That they'd find out from one of the people I already told...or who knows, in 20 years one's genetic code might be downloadable in Excel format from the doctor's Web site. I think if donor egg were allowed to be a secret in our family, and they "found me out," they would feel betrayed...and our family relationships destroyed. I won't risk that. Just being honest.
Thank you for this insight. My RE has recently suggested that I consider donating my eggs, as I am young and healthy, and there is a great need. I am in the process of gathering more information and hearing the "other" side is extremely helpful.
Hugs,
Jo
Thanks for the great post.
I am heading for my first DE cycle in Aug and although I have mentioned to friends that we might look at DE eventually, not many know that we are booked in for a cycle. I might not tell them having read your post.
Certainly food for thought.
I received an egg donation 12 years ago and was blessed with twin girls. My husband and I decided at the time not to tell family and friends about our choice. But, I told my mother because I didn't want her wondering who look like our side of the family and my husband did the same. My daughters to this day don't know. My husband and I have had discussions over the years whether to tell them or not. In school they are learning about genetics and eye and hair color from your parents and start asking questions. I have curly hair and am a strawberry blond. My girls both have straight hair and dirty blond in color. Just last night my daughter said to me that her hands look like mine but not her face. I am left speechless at this. I guess I am afaid of what would happen if they found out? I do know that fertility clinic's can distroy records after 7 to 10 years. My records should be gone by now. So their is no chance of them trying to find their DNA donor. I'm afaid of what they will say and feel. I am their mother, I gave birth to them. They are a part of me. I couldn't love them more even if they were from my own DNA. Maybe some day I'll tell them! I don't know. Just thinking about it makes me cry. They are my only children. I tried for 7yrs to have a baby. I was 39 when I gave birth and I am 51 yrs old now.
They are the best thing I have ever done.
Bee Cee, it's totally up to you but if I had it to do over again like I said in my post, I'd have kept my DE decision more private so it would be the girls' decision later in their lives. It's not all or nothing either -- you could pick a few people you really want to share with. I just wish I had not told EVERYbody. *sigh*
Robinziel, you are facing a different issue -- whether to tell your children, and if you decide to, when and how. When life is a little less hectic I'm going to blog about this decision extensively, so I can get all kind of comments that are so useful to me. I am like you, so terribly afraid that when they girls know -- and more importantly, understand -- about their donor egg origins, that their feelings for me will change. But I also feel instinctively that keeping such a huge secret would be terribly damaging -- to me while I was keeping the secret, and to my girls, if they somehow found out suddenly and from somebody besides me and their dad. And that's just the emotional part of it -- I also feel a duty to tell them. I feel as if it is their right to have the truth of their origins. None of that means I'm not scared to death about it. I think one thing that might help both of us is to do some research and reading about adoptive children and how they react when they learn of their origins. I think it would be useful! Meanwhile, please keep in touch...and hang on to that feeling that your girls are the best thing you've ever done. I so, so agree with you -- that's how I feel about mine.
I had my first visit with the fertility doctor today and he told me that our best chance (really only chance) to have a child would be through a DE. I am 43, recently married for the first time and, shockingly, it never occurred to me that a DE would be needed. Reading your post and comments has hit on so many of the feelings I had walking out of the office.
My husband and I agree that adoption is an option so why am I having trouble wrapping my brain around DE? All the things I had hoped I could experience could possibly be mine if I am able to get pregnant with DE yet I have this slight hesitation.
I so appreciate hearing that your children are YOURS, regardless of genetics, as that is one of my emotional points today. Mine but not mine...but MINE. Hard to explain so I hope you know what I mean.
Sorry for the ramble...and thanks.
Hi,
Thanks you so much for your blog. I am so so sorry about your first baby. I have been dealing with "infertility" for years and I am now considering donor eggs.
Thank you for this post, it has helped me a lot.
God bless you
I have tried with my own egg, I tried with a donor, and am getting ready to implant with my second donor next week. After it didn't work with my egg (44yrs young), I struggled with the DE choice for over a year, now I am 46, going for the last time. I have decided not to tell anyone yet, if I do get pregnant, I will most likely share the DE story, but only to immediate family. I will tell the child at some later date, but always tell them that they picked up my traits as they grew inside of me. This has been a very hard road, and an even harder decision, but if I am blessed, it will be worth it.
I'm so glad to see this discussion on here. I agree that it's important to really think about it before you start talking with everyone in your life. I learned the hard way.
Last year, I got married for the 2nd time at age 40 and we immediately started fertility treatment. We went through 2 IUI cycles and were paying out of our pocket and after hearing about our options (one being DE) from our dr, we started thinking it may be a good option for us. I started discussing the pros and cons with way too many people. My husband says I don't have a filter - it's true.
One night, I was talking with my two best friends from high school about it. One is adopted. I couldn't believe her strong opinions about it. She is adopted and felt that it was terrible I wouldn't adopt and would even consider DE. I was very upset that instead of supporting me and recognizing that I had some difficult decisions to make, she was so judgmental. I tried to contact her a while back and she just said that she felt the same way.
Right after this discussion, we put our treatment on hold because we found out we had access to insurance that covered fertility treatment starting this year. During the hiatus, we decided definitively to do DE and decided at that time to keep it to ourselves. We've actually had to lie to some people who we had told of our options. But we realized that there's no reason for others to know. We will tell our child someday and they can decide that for themselves.
We just started our side of the treatment last night - getting my uterus ready for the embryo and we are so excited. We never really have felt a loss. I will carry and raise this child and I doubt I'll think much about the genetics of it all when I look at that face.
One neat thing is that my ob/gyn (not the specialist but my regular ob) went through this all himself last year - his wife was 45. When I just went in for my annual check-up, I did tell him we were using a donor egg - he pulled out his cell phone and showed me his picture of his 5 month old son from a donor. He was beaming from ear to ear with no regrets. I can't wait to go back to him once I'm pregnant and share this journey with him.
As far as my best friend goes, we're just now starting to talk again and she won't know that I chose DE. It's sad to me that she felt so strongly about this and that I can't talk with the one person I've shared everything with since I was 14. But that's how strong some people feel about this. So be careful.
I'm in the middle of de process. I have greived my eggs and accepted this as my path for a family. I have talked to enough de recipients to know that it is not something that I want to share. From what I understand, you will feel so much that it is your child that you do not want to have your baby labled otherwise.
I am an egg donor myself and I would recommend asking the donor what her preference is. Personally I have donated several times with 40 + eggs and 30 embryos each cycle and I know for a fact that some of the couples chose to donate the embryos (weird) to other families after they were finished. When I think of all of the genetic children out there, I really hope that their parents don't share that information. The last thing I want in life is someone else’s 18 - 20 year old child knocking on my door years from now. I say this mostly from a safety point. Although my donation was anonymous, I'm only one supina away from having my identity being revealed. I have no way to guarantee that these children have been raised properly. I don't want some mentally unstable child showing up on my doorstep (Yes this happens). I also agreed to update any pertinent medical history as needed. With this being said, there is no reason the fact of donation needs to be shared, especially if the woman who risked her life to give you a child- doesn't feel comfortable with you sharing that info. You need to respect the wishes of the woman who gave you an opportunity for your children first. And if you choose a donor based on your ethnicity vs. her education or her LOOKS you would have nothing else to worry about.
I am considering it. I'm almost 46with blocked tubes (from fibroid removal) and apparently high FSH last time it was checked 13.7 then 40 approx. I am menstruating normally and regularly and no symptoms of menopause so I haven't given up all together. If it turns out after OI that donor is best, I'll do what I must. But I emphatically do not want to tell my child. Especially if the egg is anonymous, what would the point be?
I would already be relinquishing my genetic relationship. That's a lot to lose then add on top of it having to acknowledge that a child I carried for 9 months is not truly mine in every way. It would be a disservice to us both. Why open that can o' worms. So I see the point in keeping one's mouth shut.
Knowing serves no one.
Hi y'all-
I am 39, married for 12 years to the best guy in the world (to me) and am pregnant with TWINS from an egg donation. I am adopted, so I didn't know my medical history and when we started trying (8yrs ago), I just figured I was defective since I didn't know my parents.
All that being said, we have told EVERYONE how I am pregnant because my blood RH will not match my twins and we may need blood, and not only that, but why be ashamed? Whatever God/Karma/the Universe decided to give me the point is, those babies are mine as much as an adopted child, or any other person I accepted into my life as my family. Family comes in so many forms. Think of your best friend or your husband - they aren't genetically related to you either.
I wish each of you peace with your decision and that all of your gorgeous babies (however you came by them) health, happiness and love.
Take care y'all!
I entirely agree with you assessment. I told very few people about our choice. Only one person was told who is not immediate family. What is funny is that every time I see her she makes comments about what traits she sees in my daughter from my side of the family. I guess she must have forgotten our conversation? I don't know what to make of it.
I am telling EVERYONE I know about my struggles with infertility & egg donation... so many people are clueless about the difficulty of having a child. My children will grow up knowing how VERY MUCH they were wanted and so will think nothing of how they were conceived, but rather that they are loved and cherished!
Egg donation is difficult. Quite corect - it is not the first choice of conception. First prize woman conceive in the natural fashion, if nor try some intervention with your own body. After several reorts have failed, donor eggs can assist to achieve a donor egg pregnancy.
This is an emotional process. Bottom line, egg donation creates hope where there was none - so thank you to all the egg donors out there and special thanks to all baby2mom egg donors.
Thanks for your post. I am now pg after de/ivf and have struggled ethically with our decision to strictly guard our privacy. We will tell our child eventually, but we are not telling anyone now for the most part which has required some misrepresentation and some out & out lying to maintain our privacy.
There seems to be a lot of pressure on the internet & from professional to divulge this information to everyone even strangers. Although lying goes against my grain like it does most people, it is not always possible to evade or be "misleading. And this information is none of these other people's business. I'm tired of the "I cannot tell a lie" attitude frankly.
But personally, after all my suffering w/ infertility, I do not want to share my personal pain with neighbors, nor do I want to subject myself to everyone else's opinion on what we've decided.
It is still relatively incommon and is not viewed the way adoption is - as such a selfless thing to do. Plus, I am sure that my friends and family will tell others and then the information will be out there in places I don't even know about.
Very interesting post and comments that followed. I am 42 years old and have twin boys from my first IVF cycle almost 7 years ago. I'm so thankful for them. They've been a handful but I cherish every minute. My husband and I want more children, so 2 years ago we put the remaining 3 frozen embryos in and i did not get pregnant. Last year I did a full IVF cycle in the spring. Chemical pregnancy only. Late summer, the same thing, only I did get pregnant, saw the heart beat, and then a week later miscarried. We just tried again this summer right before my 42nd birthday and I did not get pregnant. We have only 1 or 2 more chances at IVF (because we are using my DH's frozen sperm) and then we're done or we move on to adoption. I am not at all excited about going through IVF again but when I started considering DE-IVF, that excited me as I am coming to believe, based on what I'm reading, that our chances of getting pregnant are much higher with DE. It doesn't bother me that my genes wouldn't be in the mix. I'm excited that my DH's will be! He has so many more endearing qualities. I'm calling for a 1st appointment with a different IVF doctor on Monday to discuss it... and I'm actually excited about the prospects.
So many thoughts and emotions fill my head as I read these posts/comments. I am the proud parent of a miracle. My anonymous DE daughter was born in fall of 2000 and dispite many later attempts, she is our only child. She would love a sibling but at a young age I had to tell her "Mommy's belly can't make any more babies" When she later questioned this I explained that the doctors and a "nice lady" helped us to have her and they tried to help us to have more but it didn't work, so she is our miracle. As she nears the age where we may discuss ovums and how babies are made I will tell her more as is age appropriate. I have told complete stragers that she is my miracle, that we used donor eggs. In doing so I have encountered several people who were struggling with their own fertility issues and found great comfort in my candor.
Infertility is not a personal weakness, it does not make you flawed and it is nothing of which to be ashamed. My daughter's best friends' mothers know and forget more than they remember. When people ask what is to be gained by telling I have to say-- acceptance. It is much more of a burden to keep a secret. If your child ever finds out (and as was pointed out, there are many ways this could happen in the future as technology changes at a rapid pace) not only will they feel betrayed, but doesn't the mere act that you kept it a secret, suggest some sort of shame on your part? Perhaps I am missing something, but when do people keep secrets about what they are proud of? I agree that you must not reveal the identity of your donor without their expressed permission, but I will be sure my daughter understands how badly we wanted her in our lives. I also must say to anyone who is considering ED--they are YOUR child, and that dna stuff doesn't amount to a hill of beans in the scheme of what makes someone your child. Ask any adoptive parent and then add to that the special bond that comes from having that child grow inside of you. Knowing that you intentially created this one person that never would have exsisited if you hadn't made the choices you made, I believe that is proof that God/the universe wanted this person to exist so badly He brought all these variables together against so many odds. If that is not a miracle what is?
The funniest thing is that when people tell me my daughter looks/acts like me I used to feel I was being dishonest if I didn't somehow acknowledge her donated dna, but now I just smile and think--yeah isn't that amazing? There is so much to life that we still don't understand, I really believe that the dna is just the map, being in my body for 37 weeks and 2 days being nurished by my body and my love helped determine which roads on that map are travelled and which ones aren't.
I have also felt a bit of judgement from a couple of friends who love me and my daughter, but I can tell still think adoption would have been the "right choice" given my circumstances (37 with prematurally aged eggs and a husband with healthy sperm) but I use this as a way to help me learn not to judge others harshly.
The health reasons for telling a child about donation seem to be a nobrainer to me, but some may feel this alone is not enough reason. I hope that I have given you more reasons to consider it a blessing to tell your child. I would love to hear form someone who has told their child.
As to the original post about not telling so your child does not have to. I thinks having told others does not keep your child from having that choice. By the time your child is old enough to worry about this, most people will have forgotten. As someone else mentioned, in most cases, it is a much bigger deal to us than it is to anyone else.
Last to any egg donors reading this-- THANK YOU! My life is blessed becasue of those like you.
I agree with you: egg donation is--unjustly--a stigmatized form of human reproduction. Some people believe that reproduction can be ranked, and that sexual reproduction ranks at the "top", with other forms, like adoption and egg donation/IVF symbolically below that. I don't agree, and think that women who use egg donation need to be careful about how they talk about their experience.
Hello I wanted to comment as some of you had strong feeling about telling about using DE and how bad it was for the child not to know. so I thought I would offer my experience as to help someone out there who is going through the same thing as I am. I am 48 my husband 38 and has never had children, I have two of my own 16 and 15. My husband is Iranian and Muslim. We married 10 years ago under much scurtiny from many from both his side and mine. We tried effortless to have a baby and I went through many IVF cycle to be told that now from 41 to 48 I just could not get preggo at my age although my FSH is 5 and I am ovulating regularly. My husband religion forbids DE and if it were found out he could be put to death, and adoption is also not permitted, but yet we want children together so badly now I am getting older than Mother Nature and we made the choice to do DE and not tell a living soul. Ladies it is not always so easy as some of you advocates think to tell, tell the children they deserve to know, what they deserve to know is that they have two parents that love them unconditionally. If someone told me today that my mother was not my mother, I might just die so if this is the case; take it to the grave because I don't need someone to clear their concisious, I just need my mom. Thanks for iistening and thanks for supporting me to those who do.
I came across your blog after a grueling day of dodging questions from a close friend who is doing a regular IVF cycle. I was so fed up with the lies and the stories, that i was thinking of just telling her and getting it over with. So thanks for giving me a push to continue to lie:)
Be Well!!
I have travelled a long way down this road. First IVF with donor eggs in June 08 (I had just turned 42 and the quality of my own eggs meant that I was unlikely to succeed in getting pregnant with a traditional IVF using my own eggs). The first attempt was not successful, the frozen embryo did not survive and therefore no transfer possible in October 08, and then finally the transfer in January 09 was successful,(my lab says the two embryos implanted)but I unfortunately miscarried at nearly 4 weeks. Have been flogging myself ever since for maybe having done something I should not have done (the train ride when there was a sudden jolt as the train was forced to come to a sudden halt, maybe the fact that I remained lying down on the settee for too long at the very beginning of the pregnancy, thus maybe lowering my blood pressure ...etc,etc) The fact that the next 2 transfers with donor eggs did not succeed makes it harder and harder, and yet I will continue as we can luckily afford the treatment and also because I simply cannot conceive life without a child...But I so badly need to hear again and again that the miscarriage was not my fault, and that there still is hope for me. They say that no failure is final, and no sucess is out of reach. This is what I tell myself every morning and this is what I want to say to all those of you who are in a similar situation and sometimes feel overwhelmed. Best wishes, Hope
I have a three year old son via egg donation after 12 miscarriages with my own eggs. The little one looks like a carbon copy of his papa. I am not sure I will tell him his origins (and for the information of the writer who felt that makes me a bad parent, that's your opinion).
This experience is the best thing you could imagine and having a pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. was a wonderful experience as well, which you do not have with adoption. I respect adoption but feel it is a calling for some people and not for everyone, as DE is, as well--good for some, not for others.
Support and good wishes for all who consider DE.
My husband walks around so proud of his little boy and we can look down the road and see only good things.
Ladies, thank you so much for all of your comments. I am a 40 year old woman with an FSH of 18 to 25, 2 miscarriages and is now really considering the world of DE. I have not discussed this with anyone, except my husband, and feel that it's no one else's business. I am literally just filling out the paperwork and just beginning on my journey. It is comforting to hear the stories and opinions that you share bc there is so much to think about. I have been struggling for months about this decision and how I would feel about having a donor and who I would tell and not tell...
But I'm coming to realize that in the scheme of things it's all irrelevant...you birth that child, raise that child and love that child unconditionally, it is YOUR child...and the previous blogs helped me understand just a little better so Thanks so much for sharing...
How many attempts have you had with DE before finally having your baby in your arms? I did get pregnant on the second try but miscarried at 4 weeks. The silver lining, so to spaek, is that I now know that implantation can and does take place as far as I am concerned. I am a healthy 43 year old and I have decided to continue trying with DE. Technically, there are no limits to the number of attempts we can make as the success rate reamins consistantly high (about 50 percent is the figure provided by our clinic) but I would love to hear from you ladies who have kept trying and who have succeeded. This would help me so much as I sometimes feel the pain and distress are almost too much to bear...
Great post. I totally agree. I kind of regret letting so many people know about my DE conception - particularly when i have no intention of sharing that with my children. How I'm going to accomplish that? I have no idea.
The truth is we are all inbred as human beings. We come from one common ancestor, therefore genetics is waaaay overemphasized. Look at it from the general standpoint. If you kid comes out not looking very much like you, so what? I know genetically related people who look nothing like their parents, but have characteristics that skipped a generation.
The egg donated child is YOURS. There is no need to lie or tell them anything different. In my opinion if you carried a child in your belly for 9 months YOU ARE THE MOM. If not for you, that particular child would not exist.
So my opinion would be to say nothing about genetic origins. If it was annonymous DE why are you introducting a confusing concept to a child? Ok, so "genetically" they're not yours, but it takes genetics and gestation to make a Mom. So that makes you equally as much as a Mom as the donor.
I just stumbled into this blog as I was looking into research about egg donation pregnancy. I am so glad I found it! I had my first donor egg transfer last week and I must say I am quite excited. I am 45 years old now. I focused on my career early in my professional life that I didn't think I would have a problem conceiving when the time came for me to have baby. I was 41 when I got married and my husband and I didn't really start trying to have a child until I was 43 years old. By that time, my ovarian reserve has declined and my FSH levels were quite high -- it was more than 10. My doctor said based on the quality of my eggs, I was about 5 years too late for an IVF using my own eggs. My best option, he said then, was an egg donation. I didn't believe him and I looked for another doctor who said the same thing. So i didn't really do an IVF cycle with my own eggs because my eggs were not healthy enough. I wnt straight into egg donation. An anonymous donor gave us the egg, but we trusted the fertility clinic who ran the program and asked for a donor who more or less looks like me. In October we started to prepare my uterus for a donated egg. It was difficult because due to all the medications I am taking, I am constantly tired and I did gain some weight. I dreaded the progesterone injections but it really wasn't a big deal because they didn't hurt at all. And now I'm just waiting for my pregnancy test in a week's time. Hopefully, it'll turn out positive. But I haven't told many people about my use of an egg donor -- my husband knows of course, my doctor, some nurses in the fertility clinic, and our therapist. We're not even telling our families because it's a very sensitive and private matter. We like it that way. We feel that the less people who know about it, the better it is for us and our future child. For those agonizing whether to tell their immediate family or friends, I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. Each couple is different. For us, privacy is the way.
I'm not sure when the last comment on this blog was posted, but I know the ttc momma's out there do a LOT of research usually on their journey and I thought I could be a voice for the 'other' side to this kind of controversial subject. I've been a donor 4 times now, which is why I will of course stay anonymous. I did 3 back to back in 07 and 1 in 08. I gave birth to my own baby girl this year and it's made me think a lot about my decisions to donate and whether I would do it again now that I know how it feels to have a child of my own. I know its a hard road to come to the decision to get the eggs from someone other than yourself, I myself have a sibling that is 39 years old and doesnt have the money or resources to pay for normal IVF treatments muchless a donor situation. The part of this a lot of people chosing the donors dont see is that its also a hard road to donate, yes we get compensated, but we also pay tax on that money and honestly our bodies go through a lot for the amount we recieve. I enjoyed the fact that I helped families get the children they without me couldnt conceive, I also thought about how crazy science has become that I've basically had 4 children w/ men I've never met that grew in another woman. I think the ONLY negative thing I can possibly think is if my daughter met one of those siblings one day and didnt know she had a genetic relation to them, the situation has come up in normal life just from men having sexual relations with women they dont really know and a child resulted from that. I myself often wonder if I have other siblings somewhere, and sometimes I yearn for that connection. The thing is, sometimes genetics is SO strong in the person you really are, myself and my siblings were NOT raised in the same households, and we ALL have characteristics and are mentally very similar it just blows my mind sometimes. So I think to end it, I would really like the parents that do these treatments to be honest to their children, not just so they know why sometimes they might be 'different' and dont understand why, but also because if they run into someone that they feel a connection with in the future they will understand why and not mis-interpret that. I just would like the feeling to know the children I helped create knew about a 'distant' relative that they may have characteristics of instead of feeling lost in the world. I've always believed deep down we know if our parents are 'our' parents, I feel a connection to my mother and father that couldnt be simulated and I look like BOTH sides of my family...lying to your children is never a good idea in my opinion and I think its a choice eventually you will feel regret for. I have no issues w/ the lying to friends and family until you know what your going to tell your children, I guess just really think about it (not like you werent going to already), you will GROW those babies inside you and that can never be changed, you gave them life, but theres nothing wrong w/ sharing the journey towards that life.....they might enjoy that you wanted them THAT badly that you went through an amazing journey to have them in your life.
I join in this discussion because I am considering doing DE.
My concern is this: I have a cousin who did DE and had a baby girl but now her child, who was seemingly healthy, is in need of a lot of special help in school and she has had some seizures earlier on but may have outgrown them.
Are children from DE usually healthy or do they have learning and health problems when they get older?
Concerned woman
I'm sorry to hear of the health problems encountered by the DE mother and child you know. As far as I know, children born via donor egg are no more likely than children conceived in any other way, to have learning difficulties or any other health problem. Donor egg is just a different way to conceive. Once conception occurs, the development of the child is like any other. Whether health problems of a DE child come from genetics, gestation, or environment -- well, that's the question, isn't it? But so far as I know, the method of a DE child's conception does not contribute to any later health problems.
The First International Congress on Global Reproductive Tourism (Vienna, Austria,March 25-28, 2010)
Reproductive tourism is a relatively new phenomenon that occurs when aspiring parents travel from their home country in which advanced reproductive technologies (ART) are expensive and legally awkward to nations where the procedures are cheaper and legally more obtainable.
The aim of this conference will be to discuss the reasons behind the rapid increase in reproductive tourism, as well as outline its professional, ethical, legal and economic consequences. This will be discussed by experts who will address the current concerns raised by this new trend, as well as share their accumulating experience meeting with the needs of the international patient and the limitations set by mounting national regulatory restrictions.
The participants in this conference will gain updated knowledge on:
Why has reproductive tourism become such a popular option?
The need to protect the reproductive rights of patients in various countries.
Improving local access to advanced reproductive care in all countries.
Advancing ART regulation under international consensus.
Affordability versus quality assurance in global ART.
Means of promoting and marketing reproductive care services.
Ethical aspects of international travel searching for ART.
Worldwide gamete donation: fulfilling an undeniable need or a form of organ trafficking?
Cross border gestational surrogacy: providing opportunity or exploitation of the poor.
Legal aspects of ART in foreign countries.
Ethnic needs of immigrants and genetic testing.
Reproductive rights of non married and same sex patients.
Safety and technical aspects of long-distance shipping of fresh and frozen gametes and embryos.
Thanks for posting. I just found out that my eggs are really no good. I'm currently 34 and have 2 failed IVF cycles. My husband and I have battled infertility for nearly 6 years, starting with his low sperm count to my recent news about my "old" ovaries. We are in the process of going through IVF using donor eggs, come March. The struggle to tell or not to tell has been my battle and you have definitely helped me.
Hi I have been looking for a blog that dealt with DE for sometime and stumbled across this one yayy!! I am 36 and my husband is 41he has a 10 yr old daughter from a previous relationship and we have been trying for the last 6 years with no success to have a baby. I have had 4 surgeries for endometriosis and when I did IVF in Aug 09 my follicles didn't produce any eggs and my Dr suggested DE. I was devastated, I felt like she had killed my baby, not just my hope of having a baby but my actual child. After I grieved for my eggs I have now embraced the idea of DE and I will be doing IVF using DE in Feb 10. I have realised that how my child gets here is not as important as me holding him/her in my arms. I live in the caribbean and people here are very judgemental and more than a little insensitive so we have decided to keep our DE between ourselves, the baby and my mother.
Thank you so much for an outlet to talk to people who can relate.
I have egg donor babies and personally I feel if we tell them it will be THEIR decision to tell others. I don't agree with a post that said if you aren't willing to share this information than you SHOULDN'T attempt DE. We were so blessed and had a beautiful daughter through DE who-- due to malpractice become ill and died. Let me just tell you that loosing a child (however they come into your life)is the most heartbreaking experience as part of you dies with them. I dare anyone to tell me my other children through DE aren't MINE. They evolved from a placenta attached to me-they may have started from a cell that wasn't mine but that is IT! They are here because of me and only me-yes my husband and another cell started the seed but that was it-my body did the rest!!!
I loved reading the Egg donor's post and agree that anonymous donors should be left alone. Thank YOU to any egg donor's out there-you are angels on earth!
DE is such a miracle and my only advice to anyone considering is to not tell anyone or a very select (immediate family to help you come to terms with the grief of loosing your genetic connection-which in the end I SWEAR means nothing) AWESOME blog and THANK YOU!
I start the DE process next week, so this is all interesting for me to consider. Though I cannot fathom lying to my children, concealing information about their origins... how can I establish and a build a healthy relationship with them on the basis of a lie? Not healthy.
You would think at some point, the truth will come to the surface and that would destroy their trust in people. If their own mother lied to them, how could they possibly trust anyone else? They may be curious about their donor - I know I would be - and I'm not afraid for them to explore their genetic history.
I will be telling my babies from a very early age - I got this idea from a friend of mine who was adopted and was told that she was the 'chosen daughter'.
I will tell my babies that they were a gift from an angel... and the angel gave mummy a little egg to put inside my belly (I'm Australian - we say 'mum'). I will repeat the story over and over again and as they get older - I will go into more detail so that one day, the 'penny will drop' and it'll start to make sense.
Based on my adopted friend's experience, she never had to deal with the 'shock' - she always know she was the 'chosen daughter' till one day she knew what that actually meant. I believe this is the best way of telling your child without the shock of it all.
Technicality: Your pediatrician will ask for a family medical history. Sure, you could lie -- and this lie could affect your child's healthcare.
But if you tell the truth to the pediatrician, you'd better tell it to your child, because sooner or later they will transfer their medical records to their own healthcare provider and they will have access to this information.
Personally, I take my cue from the adoption community, where discosure has proven to be a lot more healthy than secrets.
Finally, and above all else, I think that it is the child's choice to disclose to anyone else, so we have just chosen to tell only as many as we need to get throgh this next step emotionally & financially. At the moment, this is limited to my parents and I don't think we will tell anyone else.
Hi there,
In a few days, i'm set to start a cycle as an egg donor. And although I've never been a parent, I was once a child, and I still do remember my teen years ... and I just can't imagine, at 17 or 18, through the magic of the internet or whatever, finding out that my parents were not my biological parents.I invite you all out there to imagine this scenario. Your whole world is suddenly turned on its head. Your trust in your parents is shattered. Your faith, broken. You don't know who you are, or why your parents have done this. You're angry - you feel betrayed. You're sad - you feel alone. WHY would you subject your child to this, when it could all be prevented by sitting your teen down, and just being perfectly open and honest with them? Think, intended parents. Think. You don't have to tell anyone, but your child should really, definately know.
I am starting a DE cycle and intend to tell my child from birth of the miracle that brought them to me. I believe that if I act as if using DE is shameful, my child will become ashamed as well. What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, I say.
has anyone actually lived through at least 10 years with a child/children that have known all their lives? I would love to hear their experience. I know one mom who is having a tough time with her 7 year old that is so fixated right now on it - for months she just keeps saying - so I really have 2 moms? and, so you're not really my mom? she previously was proud and did a report in school and the whole bit. it's so painful for the mom to hear. (by the way, the parents are amazing, loving, communicative, using age appropriate dialogue, etc.). we used de and haven't yet figured out when/how to open the dialogue - we have some time as our baby is less than 1 year. looking forward to hearing about some long term experience.
I think everyone's concerns are overwrought as far as the child not being told, etc. I honestly feel there is no reason to tell the "truth" The truth is you carried and gave birth to the child and therefor are the mother. I don't see the point in bringing up the donor. You will already have the genetic/health history from the clinic. If the kid doesn't look exactly like you, they will likely look like the father.
If you feel the child has a right to know something, what would that be exactly? About some anonymous woman they are never going to know, that they have no connection to except half their genes? This is not an adoption in any traditional sense at all.
I can't even imagine what's going to come up where the child needs to be told. And like I said, told what? A confusing truth that doesn't even matter when you get down to it. Why deprive your child of the security and certainty of having a father and mother that gave them life and raised them?
I think telling compromises that because it introduces doubt and confusion that doesn't need to be there.
To the donor who commented about not telling. Thank you for your perspective. I've often wondered if we did tell, wouldn't that potentially be betraying the trust of this young woman who's life has probably moved on? She may not want to be discovered and we need to respect that.
To the person who might go through IVF DE for the first time and wondering how you'll feel about the baby. This is a very understandable sentiment. Here are my 2 cents to do with as you wish. I have a son by my own eggs and a daughter by DE. When my son was first born and put into my arms as an infant, I realized right away that it didn't matter who he belonged to genetically. A helpless, innocent child needs you regardless of your gene pool. I love my daughter equally. But I'm also the type of person who does not spend hours searching a child's face and personality for all the genetic connections. Children are themselves -- a brand new array of genes -- everytime they arrive in this world. Good luck.
Wow. I'm glad I donated eggs to a gay man, so he's pretty much going to have to tell the kid where he came from. It really never occurred to me that so many people would lie to their children. How long can you keep that up? Give it ten years, people will be able to get their DNA mapped at the drugstore and they'll be sharing their genetic codes on Facebook. No way can you keep that kind of secret. What do you do when someone in your family has breast cancer and your daughter is worried she, too, has a genetic predisposition?
I was interested to hear from the egg donor who was concerned about "mentally unstable" genetic offspring and wanted to be protected from them. A perfectly valid perspective, of course, but not representative of all donors. Me, I'm just counting down the days til that child reaches out. (And yes, now in my thirties, I regret lots of things I did in my twenties).
I am interested in knowing if any of those out there have used different donors to have a sibling for their first donor egg child. We were finally able to have one child through a doner after 8 years of trying. Our success was on our 4th doner egg cycle and we had twins but I lost one early on. Now we are trying to decide whether to do a sibling or not. Unfortunately we would have to use a different doner. I also have concerns because I feel that I need to be in the best health to raise my precious angel who is now 16 months old. I have just turned 50. I married at 43 and like many of the posts I have read, had know clue that I wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. My husband is 12 years younger than me. I was in shock when I was told that my estrodile levels were way to high. We tried for 5 years trying to conceive with my own eggs. I would appreciate some feedback from some of the other doner egg mothers out there. I too am struggling with weather we will tell our little gift about how she was conceived. I felt that I would but now I struggle with this idea. Especially if we bring another child into the mix. We have told very few people. And, my daughter does look like me. I hear all the time how she is such a good mix of me and my husband. I just smile and say nothing. As others on here have said, I love my little one more than anything ever. I feel like she is the child I was intended to have. I don't look at her and think about genetics. I look at her and pray I can live to raise her and love her and I cherish each day with her.
thank you for this post. Also grateful for commenters. To you all I ask: In discussing telling the child, no one is bringing up the fact that the 'genetic mother' is anonymous! This is not like open adoption. This is a closed process. We will never know. And he/she will never know who their mother is, their ancestors, etc. IS anyone troubled by this?
Further more, can anyone point me towards any literature in book form that addresses this 'closed donor' issue?
We are contemplating DE. And this is the sticking point in my mind.
Hi everybody ! for everyone affected with the DE and DS : I've found a very interesting and helpful panel discussion on the matter of telling or not telling your children about the ways of their conception. in the panel where donor conceived people of different ages, who where told at different stages in their lives about their donor conception.
It might answer many questions to you all. But I agree, if you tell your child, which seems to be the right thing to do for yourself and them - to put everybody to ease - don't tell too many people ! It will be your kids decision who they want to share it with!
here is the link :
http://www.donor-conception-network.org/Nottingham%20_YP_panel_%202008.pdf
To all the donors out there- you have my blessings for the miracles you have helped produce, and for bringing joy to so many desperate couples!
I was told at age 32 that I needed DE to have children. It took me 2 years to get used to the idea, and then went through 2 cycles- the first cycle was unsuccessful, the second brought us our miraculous twins. I decided, even before starting the treatments, that my children will know their origins, that I owed it to them to be honest. And that it will be THEIR choice about who else would find out. The only people we ever told so far are my younger sister - who selflessly offered to be my donor, but was unfortunately diagnosed with the same condition as I was -and a close friend who supported us a lot through this. No one else. I am already telling my darlings that they are mommy's miracles, and the most special kids in the world. I plan to make a little scrapbook with the donor's photos ( the clinic kindly sent us photos of the donor and her parents, which I have kept) followed by their ultrasounds throughout my pregnancy and then of them as newborn babies.
Why do I think the children need to know? because it is the truth, and any child deserves to have parents who never lie to them- especially about something as important as this. Also, I agree with the donor who posted her concerns about there being several people out there, unknown to each other, with the same genetic makeup. I would like to know were I in their shoes- why shouldn't I share it all with the most special people in my world??? And if telling them makes them love me less, so be it- I will love them the same. They are my little miracles and I am the luckiest person in the world for having them. I would have it no other way.
Post a Comment
<< Home