Apologies for the month offline -- I seem to be saying that with every post lately. My DE pregnancy is going just fine, but I have had all-day, all-night nausea. I've got my coping mechanisms though, and I should be coming out of it soon since I'll be 12 weeks this coming Wednesday. I graduated to the regular OB and had my first visit...got to hear the tiny little drum that is my baby's heartbeat! It was great.
Not much other news...I declined getting a lot of the genetic testing because I know that I won't terminate either way. They'll do a blood test on me at about 15 weeks or so, to allow us to be prepared in case there is actually something wrong. So now I just wait for my monthly OB appointment.
Be well, everyone (if there are any readers left!) :D
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Friday, May 06, 2005
Not just a uterus
Hello to everyone who hasn't given up on checking this blog.
I am still here, and still pregnant. I think out of desperation, I just needed to let my thoughts wander away from the whole pregnancy issue for awhile. To stop thinking it, writing it, chewing it over in my thoughts. It has come home to me that in early pregnancy, there is so very little I can do, beyond taking my meds and eating well. So, apologies for my unannounced sabbatical. I read about 10 books, had my first alcohol-free-for-me dinner party, and am now ready to resume regularly scheduled programming.
So. To catch up on the news. The weekend before last, I had some bleeding and cramping that made me freak out, because that is how my first miscarriage started. It's a heartbreaking thing about pregnancy: Bleeding and cramping are either completely normal and nothing to worry about, or they signal the impending death of your baby. The doctor will tell you the former...your heart will scream the latter, especially if you have miscarried before.
I cried inconsolably all weekend...I was sure my little baby was leaving us, just like the two before. On Monday I went in to my RE's office for an "unscheduled" ultrasound at 5 weeks, 5 days. All was well. The bleeding and cramping had stopped and there was no indication of bleeding in the uterus. There was only one baby, which was something of a disappointment. I had so wanted twins, both for my own selfish sake and because I think it might be important for a DE baby to have a "full-blooded" genetic sibling. But, we've got two batches of embryos that we can use later for frozen transfers, and hopefully we'll have our second baby that way.
The doctor saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac that measured correctly for the date. I could have sworn I saw the flicker of a heartbeat, but the doctor kept moving the ultrasound wand around so much, I couldn't get a good look. It's like when my husband channel-surfs...I wanted to bark at him, "Hold still for a minute and let me see!"
Then came the real blow. You guys know what a worrywart I am, right? I've made that really clear? So the waiting time in between blood test results and ultrasounds is a special kind of hell. I had originally been scheduled to have my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 2 days. But I'd gone in early out of worry from the cramping and bleeding, so the doctor said, "Since you came in today, I won't need to see you for 10 days...we can't see enough difference in only five days."
My heart just sank. At 6 weeks, 2 days we might have seen the heartbeat, and that was the point at which my other two pregnancies went wrong. We saw a heartbeat for each of my little ones, but they were slow, predicting the deaths that ultimately occurred. So this was a very important milestone for me...and to find out that my punishment for worrying was, five more days of worrying? Well. I wished so much I'd been brave about the cramps and bleeding and just toughed it out.
True to my own aggravating personality, I submitted meekly to the doctor's decree in his presence, and then bitched up a storm about it later. Why can't the man understand that I'm not just a uterus?
Yes, let us all praise the uterus...it's the star attraction here, indeed it is, especially since my ovaries have left the building. I'm proud of the old girl for doing her job. Yet, attached to that organ is an entire woman, with a heart and a brain that deserve some consideration. In short: Couldn't he see he was making me nuts? Would it have killed the man to give me an extra ultrasound?
And he had to cap off the interview with, "And you know, those beta numbers were going up but not very fast...we won't know anything until we see a heartbeat, especially with your history."
I wanted to throttle him. My "history," which is based on high FSH, poor responder, egg issues, should have nothing whatsoever to do with my experience this cycle. Hello, using a 27-year-old egg here? Wasn't that the whole frigging point of the big speech he gave me, that if I would give up the pursuit of a genetic child and go with DE, my miscarriage risk would go down to that of my donor? Jeez.
So I suffered through the 10 days...and I do mean suffered, since I was starting to have constant nausea and bruising fatigue. Not complaining, mind you--well. Maybe a little. Yesterday we finally saw a healthy heartbeat. It measured 130, and all is right with the pregnancy and the world.
Maybe now I can relax, and smell the--ugh. No. No smells. Gaaack....
I am still here, and still pregnant. I think out of desperation, I just needed to let my thoughts wander away from the whole pregnancy issue for awhile. To stop thinking it, writing it, chewing it over in my thoughts. It has come home to me that in early pregnancy, there is so very little I can do, beyond taking my meds and eating well. So, apologies for my unannounced sabbatical. I read about 10 books, had my first alcohol-free-for-me dinner party, and am now ready to resume regularly scheduled programming.
So. To catch up on the news. The weekend before last, I had some bleeding and cramping that made me freak out, because that is how my first miscarriage started. It's a heartbreaking thing about pregnancy: Bleeding and cramping are either completely normal and nothing to worry about, or they signal the impending death of your baby. The doctor will tell you the former...your heart will scream the latter, especially if you have miscarried before.
I cried inconsolably all weekend...I was sure my little baby was leaving us, just like the two before. On Monday I went in to my RE's office for an "unscheduled" ultrasound at 5 weeks, 5 days. All was well. The bleeding and cramping had stopped and there was no indication of bleeding in the uterus. There was only one baby, which was something of a disappointment. I had so wanted twins, both for my own selfish sake and because I think it might be important for a DE baby to have a "full-blooded" genetic sibling. But, we've got two batches of embryos that we can use later for frozen transfers, and hopefully we'll have our second baby that way.
The doctor saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac that measured correctly for the date. I could have sworn I saw the flicker of a heartbeat, but the doctor kept moving the ultrasound wand around so much, I couldn't get a good look. It's like when my husband channel-surfs...I wanted to bark at him, "Hold still for a minute and let me see!"
Then came the real blow. You guys know what a worrywart I am, right? I've made that really clear? So the waiting time in between blood test results and ultrasounds is a special kind of hell. I had originally been scheduled to have my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 2 days. But I'd gone in early out of worry from the cramping and bleeding, so the doctor said, "Since you came in today, I won't need to see you for 10 days...we can't see enough difference in only five days."
My heart just sank. At 6 weeks, 2 days we might have seen the heartbeat, and that was the point at which my other two pregnancies went wrong. We saw a heartbeat for each of my little ones, but they were slow, predicting the deaths that ultimately occurred. So this was a very important milestone for me...and to find out that my punishment for worrying was, five more days of worrying? Well. I wished so much I'd been brave about the cramps and bleeding and just toughed it out.
True to my own aggravating personality, I submitted meekly to the doctor's decree in his presence, and then bitched up a storm about it later. Why can't the man understand that I'm not just a uterus?
Yes, let us all praise the uterus...it's the star attraction here, indeed it is, especially since my ovaries have left the building. I'm proud of the old girl for doing her job. Yet, attached to that organ is an entire woman, with a heart and a brain that deserve some consideration. In short: Couldn't he see he was making me nuts? Would it have killed the man to give me an extra ultrasound?
And he had to cap off the interview with, "And you know, those beta numbers were going up but not very fast...we won't know anything until we see a heartbeat, especially with your history."
I wanted to throttle him. My "history," which is based on high FSH, poor responder, egg issues, should have nothing whatsoever to do with my experience this cycle. Hello, using a 27-year-old egg here? Wasn't that the whole frigging point of the big speech he gave me, that if I would give up the pursuit of a genetic child and go with DE, my miscarriage risk would go down to that of my donor? Jeez.
So I suffered through the 10 days...and I do mean suffered, since I was starting to have constant nausea and bruising fatigue. Not complaining, mind you--well. Maybe a little. Yesterday we finally saw a healthy heartbeat. It measured 130, and all is right with the pregnancy and the world.
Maybe now I can relax, and smell the--ugh. No. No smells. Gaaack....
Monday, April 18, 2005
Back on track
I am unutterably relieved to post that today's beta went up to 596, from 223 three days ago. IVFer's HCG calculator tells me this is a doubling time of about 50 hours, with the goal being 48 hours. Good enough for government work.
The nurse had no explanation for Friday's way-too-low number. Me, I am leaning toward the idea of a very early "vanishing twin," since we put back two good-quality embryos. Which is sad. I did so want twins, and to me these embryos are babies, at least once they are inside me and growing. There is sorrow in losing one. But I'm grateful that the number went up so well. Hopefully, this means that the remaining embryo is healthy. The overall number is still a bit low for 19 days post-retrieval, but the range for normal betas is very broad, and possibly I had a late implantation.
So I'm still in the game, and just barely sane. My husband just got home and gave me a big hug (he had called on his cell phone after work to get the results, so he already had the good news). He said to me, "So, have you learned a lesson about being more optimistic?"
Given what he's put up with in the past few days, I resisted the urge pinch him very hard. Let's just say that we had a bad weekend at our house. Without my usual therapy for misery--antidepressants, knocked back with a nice glass of crisp, white wine--I was reduced to chocolate cookies and sleeping as much as possible. But I still found a few hours to cry, whine, and act generally morose.
So, I didn't pinch him, or stick my tongue out at him. But I did give him a beady-eyed glare. "No, I haven't. I've had too much bad stuff happen to me with pregnancies." He had the grace to shut up.
So, the next milestone will be my first ultrasound on April 29th, at 6 weeks, 2 days. It's going to be a long wait!
A heartfelt "thank you" to all who posted such sweet, supportive comments. I read them yesterday, and they meant the world.
The nurse had no explanation for Friday's way-too-low number. Me, I am leaning toward the idea of a very early "vanishing twin," since we put back two good-quality embryos. Which is sad. I did so want twins, and to me these embryos are babies, at least once they are inside me and growing. There is sorrow in losing one. But I'm grateful that the number went up so well. Hopefully, this means that the remaining embryo is healthy. The overall number is still a bit low for 19 days post-retrieval, but the range for normal betas is very broad, and possibly I had a late implantation.
So I'm still in the game, and just barely sane. My husband just got home and gave me a big hug (he had called on his cell phone after work to get the results, so he already had the good news). He said to me, "So, have you learned a lesson about being more optimistic?"
Given what he's put up with in the past few days, I resisted the urge pinch him very hard. Let's just say that we had a bad weekend at our house. Without my usual therapy for misery--antidepressants, knocked back with a nice glass of crisp, white wine--I was reduced to chocolate cookies and sleeping as much as possible. But I still found a few hours to cry, whine, and act generally morose.
So, I didn't pinch him, or stick my tongue out at him. But I did give him a beady-eyed glare. "No, I haven't. I've had too much bad stuff happen to me with pregnancies." He had the grace to shut up.
So, the next milestone will be my first ultrasound on April 29th, at 6 weeks, 2 days. It's going to be a long wait!
A heartfelt "thank you" to all who posted such sweet, supportive comments. I read them yesterday, and they meant the world.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Slow-rising beta
I had my second serum beta HCG test today. It has risen to 223, from 156 on Wednesday. This is not the doubling that is expected for a healthy pregnancy, and so they will check the bloodwork again on Monday. But it does not look positive. This didn't even happen until much later in my earlier pregnancies.
I find myself amazingly shocked. Somewhere inside me I had this core of confidence that with a healthy young woman's egg to work with, I would have a baby. I know in my head all the statistics and I guess I should have been more cautious in my emotional investment. I find myself wondering morbidly whether this has happened to me because of my emotional issues; how I continue to have issues and thoughts about donor egg, even now. Is this a punishment?
I guess you never realize how much you loved and wanted something until it's taken away.
I find myself amazingly shocked. Somewhere inside me I had this core of confidence that with a healthy young woman's egg to work with, I would have a baby. I know in my head all the statistics and I guess I should have been more cautious in my emotional investment. I find myself wondering morbidly whether this has happened to me because of my emotional issues; how I continue to have issues and thoughts about donor egg, even now. Is this a punishment?
I guess you never realize how much you loved and wanted something until it's taken away.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Beta plus!
This morning as planned, I used my last HPT and got an instant, but faint, line. It was darker than the preceding tests, but worried me a bit for its lightness. (OK, the prevailing wisdom says that HPTs are only good for 'yes' or 'no' answers...and there's all that stuff I've spouted myself to other worried women about urine concentration, yadda yadda, but what do we infertility patients do best? We worry!)
I decided to call my RE's office and see if I could get my beta HCG blood test done earlier than Friday. I figured they would say no...but to my amazement, the nurse said, "You got a plus HPT? Why don't you come in right now!"
So away I went at lunchtime, and they just called me with the results: 156. Which, the nurse said, is a very good number for a test done two days early. (For those in the know about such things -- which includes, what, everyone who is kind enough to read my blog? -- I'm at 11 days post 3-day transfer, 14 days post retrieval.) I'll go back in on Friday for the regularly scheduled test, to see whether the number doubles appropriately, and then it's another dread two-week wait before the first ultrasound.
So. Here I am at the finish / starting line...and I must share that the happiness I feel, while genuine, is bittersweet. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I know that I have to let go of the past...let go of that child...and welcome the one I'm carrying now. I can do that.
But just today, at this crossroads, I'm thinking not just of the children ahead of me but of those I've lost. I love you all, my little ones.
I decided to call my RE's office and see if I could get my beta HCG blood test done earlier than Friday. I figured they would say no...but to my amazement, the nurse said, "You got a plus HPT? Why don't you come in right now!"
So away I went at lunchtime, and they just called me with the results: 156. Which, the nurse said, is a very good number for a test done two days early. (For those in the know about such things -- which includes, what, everyone who is kind enough to read my blog? -- I'm at 11 days post 3-day transfer, 14 days post retrieval.) I'll go back in on Friday for the regularly scheduled test, to see whether the number doubles appropriately, and then it's another dread two-week wait before the first ultrasound.
So. Here I am at the finish / starting line...and I must share that the happiness I feel, while genuine, is bittersweet. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I know that I have to let go of the past...let go of that child...and welcome the one I'm carrying now. I can do that.
But just today, at this crossroads, I'm thinking not just of the children ahead of me but of those I've lost. I love you all, my little ones.
Monday, April 11, 2005
And again with the line
This morning's test required no squinting, no waiting, no tilting, and no special lighting. It's a faint but definite line and has even acquired a bit of pink color. Still far lighter than the control line, but I'm confident I've got something going on. My nausea and breast soreness are getting worse...I mean, better, since these are good signs. DH gave me a big hug last night and I yelped, "Ouch!!!"
I have one last HPT in my arsenal, which I will use on Wednesday. Unless, of course, I prove to be as spineless as I have so far, and I go out and buy more. I'm glad these things are legal and don't make you gain weight, because they're like crack to we poor infertiles.
My serum beta HCG test is Friday. It's gonna be a loooooong week.
One thing I am realizing, as I run this race: In a sense, I will never cross the finish line. If I get a positive beta on Friday, it is simply the starting line of the next contest, waiting to see if the beta doubles appropriately. If the first ultrasound is normal. If the heartbeat is seen, and is fast enough. If the old-lady tests come back normal. And so on, until birth, and later. I can fast forward, in my thoughts, to that day when my little one climbs on the schoolbus, taking my heart with her out into the world. It is a sobering thought.
I have one last HPT in my arsenal, which I will use on Wednesday. Unless, of course, I prove to be as spineless as I have so far, and I go out and buy more. I'm glad these things are legal and don't make you gain weight, because they're like crack to we poor infertiles.
My serum beta HCG test is Friday. It's gonna be a loooooong week.
One thing I am realizing, as I run this race: In a sense, I will never cross the finish line. If I get a positive beta on Friday, it is simply the starting line of the next contest, waiting to see if the beta doubles appropriately. If the first ultrasound is normal. If the heartbeat is seen, and is fast enough. If the old-lady tests come back normal. And so on, until birth, and later. I can fast forward, in my thoughts, to that day when my little one climbs on the schoolbus, taking my heart with her out into the world. It is a sobering thought.
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