I had my second serum beta HCG test today. It has risen to 223, from 156 on Wednesday. This is not the doubling that is expected for a healthy pregnancy, and so they will check the bloodwork again on Monday. But it does not look positive. This didn't even happen until much later in my earlier pregnancies.
I find myself amazingly shocked. Somewhere inside me I had this core of confidence that with a healthy young woman's egg to work with, I would have a baby. I know in my head all the statistics and I guess I should have been more cautious in my emotional investment. I find myself wondering morbidly whether this has happened to me because of my emotional issues; how I continue to have issues and thoughts about donor egg, even now. Is this a punishment?
I guess you never realize how much you loved and wanted something until it's taken away.