Friday, April 15, 2005

Slow-rising beta

I had my second serum beta HCG test today. It has risen to 223, from 156 on Wednesday. This is not the doubling that is expected for a healthy pregnancy, and so they will check the bloodwork again on Monday. But it does not look positive. This didn't even happen until much later in my earlier pregnancies.

I find myself amazingly shocked. Somewhere inside me I had this core of confidence that with a healthy young woman's egg to work with, I would have a baby. I know in my head all the statistics and I guess I should have been more cautious in my emotional investment. I find myself wondering morbidly whether this has happened to me because of my emotional issues; how I continue to have issues and thoughts about donor egg, even now. Is this a punishment?

I guess you never realize how much you loved and wanted something until it's taken away.

11 comments:

Andi said...

Bee,

I'm sorry that the numbers are not what you had hoped. When you have been through prior losses and then you get discouraging news, it's hard not to think the worst, and probably even harder to hold onto hope and remain optimistic. But hey, that's what your friends inside the computer are for. So, I am sending fervent hopes your way that this is NOT the end of the road and that instead it is one of those little blips that sometimes happen w/ hormone levels, and that Monday's number is big and beautiful.

deborah said...

Oh Bee, there are no words...I understand the fear you are feeling. But please know that you are NOT being punished, and this is NOT over yet. I will continue to hope fiercely for better numbers on Monday.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweetie, I got your message yesterday and just got a moment to check your blog. I simply can not believe this could be happening again. I will continue to be hopeful for you, as I know it is easy for your own hope to start deteriorating. I'll keep sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. What an excruiating weekend you have in store. And you can't even have that damn glass of wine ;~(

I will call you a little later and check in. {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} YOu know who I am, LG

wessel said...

Bee, I have had infertile friends with the same situation, a single beta check that didn't rise properly, and yet everything went on normally after that. It does happen! There is also a possibility that two implanted, and you lost one.

Still, what HELL. I hate betas. I hate ultrasounds. I hate all of these data points that drive us crazy with worry and anguish.

I hope and pray that everything is okay. And no, you are not being punished. I can't believe that.

chris said...

I've seen this several times on the Resolve Pregnancy after Intertility board (yes, I like to lurk and torture myself). It could be a vanishing twin that accounts for a drop in your beta, but the other twin makes it. Or, it could just be a weird beta. Happens all the time. Hang in there. I can't believe you have to wait the whole weekend. Agh! Take care.

Milenka said...

I'm so sorry. I'm wishing you the best.

Holly(PA) said...

Bee-
Please don't give up hope. Your 1st beta was nice and high, and doubling is supposed to happen 48-72 hours. Please try and keep the faith (I know how hard that is, and easier said then done). I'm sending many prayers your way. Thinking about you.

Holly

ms pickled eggs said...

Fiercely hoping you get better news soon.

y said...

I'm so sorry to hear this latest news; keeping my fingers crossed for you and wishing you all the best...

Anonymous said...

Bee,

Waiting here with you and wishing you all the best.

xxoo,
Emily

Anonymous said...

I never prayed much untill after I went to ER after I started having sharp pains in my stomach and some spotting , they took my beta levels at 101 and I was diagnosed pregnant , I went back in 2 days and they only rose to 127 , this is when the see-saw started , I went back again , they only went to 152 and the U/S showed what they think is a cyst or mass on my ovary which was causing the pain , they thnk , but no baby in my tubes or uterus. Im still very very early , I am now just 2 days after my missed period , I am not losing hope ,you shouldnt either, I have considered myself agnostic for the longest time , but I cant help to think that somthing bigger than myself is going to form this baby inside me , not let it set up camp in one of my falopian tubes and Ill have baby in 9 months and so will you.

I am not infertile to my knowledge , but I am very young and I am afraid,anxious , slightly pissed and tired , I HATE BETAS TOO!!
Dont lose your hope , somtimes that all we have to keep us from pulling our hair out or hitting my DR. When he tells me he
''WELP, Im just isnt sure, come back in 2 days''
I look like a heroin addict , with 2 blown veins now(crappy nurse). I dont know if i can go back tomorrow.All I do now is pray over my stomach.....I dont kknow what else to do ,blogs like yours have brought me hope in that im not the only one going through this.My best wishes.