This morning as planned, I used my last HPT and got an instant, but faint, line. It was darker than the preceding tests, but worried me a bit for its lightness. (OK, the prevailing wisdom says that HPTs are only good for 'yes' or 'no' answers...and there's all that stuff I've spouted myself to other worried women about urine concentration, yadda yadda, but what do we infertility patients do best? We worry!)
I decided to call my RE's office and see if I could get my beta HCG blood test done earlier than Friday. I figured they would say no...but to my amazement, the nurse said, "You got a plus HPT? Why don't you come in right now!"
So away I went at lunchtime, and they just called me with the results: 156. Which, the nurse said, is a very good number for a test done two days early. (For those in the know about such things -- which includes, what, everyone who is kind enough to read my blog? -- I'm at 11 days post 3-day transfer, 14 days post retrieval.) I'll go back in on Friday for the regularly scheduled test, to see whether the number doubles appropriately, and then it's another dread two-week wait before the first ultrasound.
So. Here I am at the finish / starting line...and I must share that the happiness I feel, while genuine, is bittersweet. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I know that I have to let go of the past...let go of that child...and welcome the one I'm carrying now. I can do that.
But just today, at this crossroads, I'm thinking not just of the children ahead of me but of those I've lost. I love you all, my little ones.