Sunday, April 10, 2005

Phantom line

How do I torture myself? Let me count the ways.

I really must buy stock in the company that manufactures First Response Early Result pregnancy tests, because I'd pay my own dividend. The loud pink box blares: "Results 5 days early!" Hmm. Five days, seven days, what's the difference? And, my transfer was in the morning, so really, we're talking six-and-a-half days.

So I dithered, all the time knowing that because I'd bought the darned things, I was going to do one, even though I was only 7 days post 3-day transfer (7dp3dt). And of course, after the deed was done, I didn't see anything except the one lonely, dark pink line. Disappointed but embarrassed that I'd been so weak, I got my husband to stab me with the progesterone-in-oil (PIO) shot, and then went to bed. (Strangely, a negative HPT makes those shots hurt like a bitch.)

And then this morning, just to torture myself further, I carried the stick to the window and looked at it in bright daylight. On one of my pregnancies, I put myself through this same thing, and after a couple hours' wait, a very faint line did show up (although that was at 9dp3dt). So, this time, just maybe...

And lo! In the bright morning light, at a certain angle, I could make out a very faint line. A wishing-hard, phantom line. For all I know, the laser-like intensity of my gaze etched the line onto the test strip.

But I'll take my good cheer where I find it. Today I'm happy; today I'm willing to attribute my faint nausea, extremely sore breasts, and vivid dreams to pregnancy and not to a surfeit of progesterone. Only five days to wait until my beta HCG blood test tells me whether my confidence is justified.

And of course, those HPTs come in packs of two.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Crossing my fingers for you my sweet. And I promise not to shout "Pee, Pee" like a "Drink, Drink" in college ;)

xxoo,
Emily

Enough Already said...

You are driving me crazy!!! I sure hope this is "it" for you. Test again in a couple of days and let us know what you come up with!

You are a brave, brave woman. I couldn't bring myself to do a urine test until the morning of my beta b/c i was so afraid of it being negative. And then, i only did it so i'd know whether or not to stop at the store on the way home from the doctor to pick up a case of wine! you know, the medicine in the green bottle.

wessel said...

I mean, if you want to torture yourself, okay, but why do you have to torture US too??? I keep checking your blog several times a day to see if you've PEED AGAIN yet! (not fair)

I think if you saw a faint pink line at 10 days post fertilization, then that would be a POSITIVE in my book! How exciting!

Would this be a good time to say that I'm jealous you're already pregnant, and I can't even find a darned donor yet? :-)

Bee said...

Wessel,

You be as jealous as you need to be, and don't feel guilty about it either!! I'm sure jealous of some other people in my life whose situation I'd love to be in...my two good girlfriends from my twenties are both mothers to genetic children, a boy and a girl each, and both get to be stay-at-home moms. Could it GET any better for them? And then here's me, with my two m/c's and my husband working for minimum wage, unable (so far) to find a job in his field so that the burden is mostly on me to support our family, plus a HUGE amount of debt caused by infertility and joblessless. And, I commute 2 hours a day because we have to live way the hell out in the country to keep my stepson in the same community where his mother lives -- this despite the fact that she hardly ever takes advantage of her time with him. I feel like no matter which way I shake it, I come out on the short end. And it makes me so sad, knowing that even if I get to have a baby, I will not be the one raising it for 11 hours out of every day. I was so depressed and overwhelmed about it last Friday night, I came home from work and went straight to bed, just to escape it all for a few hours.

I know I should be happy with my thin pink line and my loving marriage, and build from there. But sometimes it is hard not to look into the next backyard over and wish your lawn looked that good. So yeah, it's the right time to be jealous. You go right ahead. :D

Bee

wessel said...

Oh, Bee. Think of this: a lot can change between now and then (when baby comes). Even in my faithless state, there are still some sayings that give me a little lift of hope, and one of them is, "G-d's help comes in the blink of an eye." I hope that the planets move and form a constellation that spells only good things for you!

Until that time, crawling into bed (with a glass of wine and a good movie or book) can help a lot. :-)

Enough Already said...

Bee, I too have felt some of the strain that life gives us (my husband will probably be unemployed again soon and I will be our sole support), but you know what?

We could be facing all of that in addition to having poured our life savings down the drain on donor egg IVF only to get a Big Fat Negative on the pregnancy test.

Perspective woman!!! At least you passed the damn test!

Millie said...

A line is a line is a line. I'm also dying for you to test again but I promise I'll try to be patient. I'll check back here constantly but TRY to be patient. Everything is crossed for you, my friend. If I could cross my eyes you know that I would.

BTW, I keep a post-it note on my computer. Only 35% of women who actually are pregnant test that way on hpts at 10 dpo. Only 35%.